an overrated pastime

301st post

2010-02-16T20:07:00.003+08:00

and i'm moving!

/

flow like a river
that can’t come back
my beautiful youth
that will never return
(Youth, Hot Potato)

Karmun the Idiot!

2010-02-15T07:17:00.000+08:00

I took this photo of myself as a retard - haha!

do as rabbits do with you

2010-02-08T06:59:00.007+08:00

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

/

so incredibly content :)

/

at the same time am also a bit disgruntled with the way certain things have been going. is that the right word, even? i don't know what to do or what people want anymore and there were things i wanted to say but i think they don't really matter anymore either

so i'm just going to be happy, all by myself.

at the very least i'll be happy with the two most wonderful boys in my life ever
(it's been a very special month! :B)

and the many wonderful girls scattered all over

/

and i'm going to say yes more now, just because.

/

"I wonder where we are going
We sleep with thoughts that have no shape

Time constantly goes against us
But sometimes it obeys us
Let's just leave our hearts behind as we go off

Even the meaning of "forever" is vague to us
That's why I want to hug you right now
Because of these feelings"

(BJ, Kanjani8)

oh this could be magic after all

2010-01-28T23:52:00.002+08:00

love is a hug that makes you feel like you're home

/

disregarding all the countless cliched ideas about love that are printed in books, calendars, spouted again and again by characters in romantic movies and expounded on at length in many (online) journal entries around the world..

what is it, really?

if we didn't have a word for it, this feeling (or a jumbled up mess of feelingS, as some people like to describe it), what would we be saying when we look at someone we love?

is it just a surge of emotions, a sudden swell of the heart?

don't know.

and i have to reiterate how i adore sarah kane's words because it reduces all the fancy flowery words into something more raw and maybe more real and believable:

Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on I cannot fucking go on [...]

but still the problem remains: when do we realise we've gone from mere infatuation/lust/like into love?

/

argh so many things to do

1) Masters apps
2) Masters sponsorship app (MOE)
3) week 4 odn
4) week 5 odn
5) child bilingualism essay (due week 7)
6) week 8 odn

and over the easter holidays there are so many things i want/have to do as well

1) go interrailing?
2) visit all those european countries on my must-visit list!
3) m butterfly director's essay
4) 5000 word beckett essay
5) child bilingualism exam in week 1
6) semantic theory exam in week 1

i'm perfect

2010-01-05T10:57:00.004+08:00

"Fietsen dansen, fluiten, de wereld inkijken,
I long to ride a bike, dance, whistle, look at the world,
me jong voelen, weten dat ik wrij ben, daar snak ik naar."
Feel young and know that I am free.
(Anne Frank)

/

is it better to be the one looking or the one found?

so applicable in so many situations

/

this christmas holiday has been packed but GREAT! amsterdam and dublin/belfast.. amazing times with amazing people :)

/

i think it's possible that i downplay too much the fact that i care, a lot. so it seems like i don't

also i doubt that i've ever been more selfless and, at the same time, selfish with other people than i have with you, paradox notwithstanding

/

so it's the new year - happy 2010.

time for self-reflection, possibly? and a list? who doesn't like lists? they put everything into perspective. sort of.

somehow i think i'm sadder this year than i was this time last year, but i'm not sure if it's because it's gonna be a bad start to the year in general, or just a bad day

"sometimes, the feeling is also mutual"

2009-12-17T01:00:00.007+08:00

That Sinking Feeling
Emma-lee

All the good boys get slowly broken
By hearts left unspoken
A shell of a man

And I'm left to pick up the pieces
Of someone else's messes
The best I can

And it's the same old story
She adored me
Oh how could I have known
Oh that sinking feeling
Does it mean you have to swim alone?
Why won't you take me home

We'd be up late
The night getting older
And he's still on my shoulder
But I don't mind

Could you blame me
For soothing and consoling
Him til early morning
I'm just the loving kind

And it's the same old story
She adored me
Oh how could I have known
Oh that sinking feeling
Does it mean you have to swim alone?
Why don't you take me home

Well if I saw her on the street I'd say
Thanks for tossing a good man my way
Honey your loss is my gain

But it was a silly move to make
Cos bleeding hearts so freshly unchained
Can only be temporary

And it's the same old story
He adored me
Until his ache was gone
Now that sinking feeling
Tells me I've been drowning all alone.

/

the scariest thing, possibly, is to look someone deep in the eyes, and be completely unable to fathom what's on his mind.

but being able to look so closely and wondering, nose tip touching nose tip, is maybe the most achingly amazing thing ever

/

merry christmas and a happy new year!

M. Butterfly next term, yay!

you did it before so you'll do it again

2009-12-07T18:29:00.002+08:00

an other once upon a time is finally over

whew

it was a crazy swirl of activity but at the same time it was the most amazing thing ever. was terribly busy and sometimes stressed but the people i've met while doing this make me feel that this is all worth it

and of course when you're sitting anxiously at the edge of your seat, a face among the many faces of the audience, you feel like everything is truly beautiful and that maybe it's possible to make pretty things in a world that can get quite ugly

and then someone falters/makes a mistake and i grab ming's hand and squeeze luke's knee and we hold our breaths for that one minute

/

have to rush out an essay plan for the essay that i was complaining about in the prev entry.

essay turned out pretty much okay, but i don't think i've got anything to write for the plan.

simply because i was so busy with the production and just trying to stay on top of things in general oh well :)

/

am so tired now but can't even take a nap cos i need to do readings, then the essay plan, then meet my seminar group mates for a pre-seminar rehearsal thingy (we're doing like a readthrough of a scene in class), then auditions tonight for M. Butterfly.

still need to print audition pieces though, as well as like background of the characters so people auditioning can get a feel of the role.. hmm

BUT still very very exciting stuff!!

/

all this is too overwhelming to be true

love me more

2009-11-08T07:21:00.005+08:00

underqualified for commitment..

it ain't that i don't love you girl
i just love me more

/

so busy and so many exciting things going on
and then work gets in the way :/

sigh haven't written essays for AGES and now i must churn one out in such a short space of time

kane i love your 4.48 Psychosis and beckett i adore your Not I, but why do i pick such difficult works for myself?

/

just because it's beautifully raw:

Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible so fucking awful physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing.

again for false affection

2009-10-11T04:04:00.004+08:00

little girls don't know how to be sweet girls

love, save the empty

/

when will it finally feel right? or is there just no wrong, so everything COULD have been right, CAN be right? if only i let it.

but i'm right in refusing to believe that, there's gotta be more

i'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze and love is a riddle

/

sheltered?

i was living in a damn near impenetrable igloo

hooray for the glass houses we don't even know exist; growing up must give one cuts

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

2009-09-20T12:38:00.007+08:00

rashomon ended its run just last week and already i'm kind of missing the people i've worked with.

crewing was immensely fun even though we were scolded quite a few times for being as loud/noisy as we were. but we really enjoyed ourselves anyway (: i mean, we had to see each other quite a lot within a short space of time so we sort of grew to know each other quite well (better than most acquaintances) and knew how to have fun together lah :D plus karaoke from like 9pm til 4am with the some of the cast was crazy fun!!

theatre crewing is possibly one of the most fun jobs in the world. it's fulfilling because you know you're a part of something bigger that is immediately presented to a paying (hence critical) audience night after night, and you're working as a team to make something beautiful and alive. this is especially applicable for rashomon because it felt like a montage of gorgeous stills that happen to breathe and move rather than a fluid fast-paced stage performance.

if i could do this for the rest of my life, would i be happy? :/

i mean, talking to some of the actors, they knew what they wanted to be/do from a young age and they're now living their dream. it's not quite glamorous and there's so much hard work involved, but they're HAPPY.

and i want to find a similar kind of happiness except i really really am still lost.

one of the actors said he thinks i do know what i want to do with my life. it's just that i'm afraid to say it out, and i'm afraid to give that dream weight. maybe? though to be honest, i think he's just being far too kind.

/

and i can't believe i'm going to turn 21 quite so soon! in just a few weeks D:

that scares me a lot too, because it reminds me that maybe i don't have all the time in the world to slowly discover what i want to be.

actually i feel like i can do anything and still be happy, but that's not realistic is it?

i could probably go diving again and again.. or do backstage work for ages, or even work in f&b. teaching is going to be enjoyable and fulfilling too. but will that be all? there's no one job that makes me want to snap my fingers and go, "this is it. this is my love and this is what i will be doing til the day i die."

sigh and turning 21 entails lots of celebrating/partying because it's a milestone, but it's kind of a milestone i'd rather not mark.

also it feels like lots of close friends aren't going to be around cos they're away at school/ on exchange so i won't have so many friends to go mad with and .. how do social circles shrink quite so quickly in uni? ):

/

and now there's going to be lots of work to do regarding applications for a masters.. though i don't even know what the hell i want to do, except that i want to do a masters. riiight. because the thought of entering the working world is slightly terrifying.

just one more month before i return to york. why do i feel so reluctant to leave? ):

because it means i'll be so much closer to completing the degree.. and so much closer to many things i'd rather avoid?

/

what is my pride?

what the pho!

2009-08-13T00:09:00.004+08:00

i absolutely super duperly love this summer holiday. everything has been WONDERFUL so far :D

/

seriously, it's been amazing crazy fun hanging out with jill and yj the past 2 weeks (and esp in korea), and it feels really strange to be back.

strange not in a 'i don't want to be here in singapore' way, but strange in a 'oh i kind of still want to be in korea and doing silly things and waking up early/late with 2 dear friends' kind of way.

i'm glad to be back home and with family and all, but.. i like korea. it feels like a place i'd like to be in for a long time, just to soak everything up (: japan was really impressive and beautiful too, but somehow korea just clicks for me (i guess because i've been watching so much silly korean stuff on the internet).

my aunt seems to think i'm obsessed with the idea of marrying some korean hunk and keeps warning me against it but it isn't so much the men as it is the culture and the people in general. both men AND women. the way society works there fascinates me, and the language is interesting and the way the people there drink, work, express their love, create music..

/

japan was awesome on another level.

more intimate and yet distantly beautiful. everything was more gorgeous in a look-but-don't-touch way; the temples and the shrines and the greenery and the food were like that, but the people were amazing. my father's friend was very kind and took such good care of us that jill and i couldn't help tearing when we had to leave them.

it also helped that they had the CUTEST 7 year-old around, sato-chan. he was such a ball of energy and the family was just so open and caring and generous that it felt more like we were guests/family rather than just plain old tourists.

/

seoul, korea was in-your-face. alive and crazily loud with music and people and food. everything was loud and proud.

the food was spicier, the people more aggressive.. it's not a gentle kind of beauty like japan, it's more a forceful shout that has its own charm.

1) the jjim jil bang
2) club n.b.
3) the glorious kimchi (& street food!! or food in general, really)
4) the shopping/ trends
5) the language

/

how is it that i am so lucky to have two such silly and adorable and wonderful best friends? (:

/

am i really commitment-phobic, as a person in general? :/

/

OKAY, so what's been happening with my summer so far, and what's coming up (YAY for being alive and having holidays and loved ones.. and having things i WANT to do)

1) attachment at henderson sec [DONE]
2) JAPAN & KOREA holiday with yj and jill! [DONE, sigh]
3) scuba-diving with gen at tioman
4) TTP Rashomon crewing! :D with ming
5) one month off to do absolutely whatever i want.. hmm should i travel somewhere?

i kind of feel young and alive now still (even though 21 seems intimidating and old, slightly) and like i want to do many things but can i? do i have the time and energy and money? in the midst of everything, do i want to leave my family behind even though i hardly see them enough as it is?

or maybe the question should be, should i?

sick :/

2009-07-23T12:40:00.001+08:00

I could be happy anywhere, really.

(:

i'm going to miss this school!

it figures

2009-07-16T17:50:00.002+08:00

of course.

the moment i say life is wonderful = the moment things fall apart

/

am so confused and displeased.

why is it that it's perfectly alright to wear 3/4 leggings under a dress but 'INAPPROPRIATE' to wear a pair of full black tights under a dress?

because in singapore wearing black tights means i'm going out to a party after work apparently.

riight.

can we please move on already?!

i like the place i do! but i just wish people weren't so stupid about things. how is it possible that wearing black tights merits quite a few complaints from other members of staff?

i guess i'm just being too dense. i should just wear the flesh-coloured stockings they so fondly approve of instead next time. (even if black tights are more decent by my standards)

/

SO MANY THINGS TO DO SO LITTLE TIME! D:

and this is when all i really want to do is sleep.

and have a good shouting match, maybe. i'm premenstrual, don't blame me! blame my period! :D

always suspected..

2009-07-14T22:15:00.008+08:00

..the world didn't smell of fresh paint and flowers

/

BACK in singaporeeeee

i've missed all this, was so happy to see my family :D

/

i really am a terrible friend sometimes, but i only know it when people do things to me that i've (somewhat unknowingly) done to others.

sigh karma's a bitch

whatever lah.

/

am so excited about various things, and am very happy in the school i'm attached to right now (: racial harmony day is next week and i'm in charge of selling candy floss!!

so many things going on.. this general buzz of busy-ness is nice!

right after my attachment ends, will be heading to tioman during the weekend for diving (!!! :D) and then returning to singapore for one night before packing up and leaving for THE TRIP OF A LIFEIME (korea and japaaaaaan) with the girls. i cannot squeal enough about this!

/

i hope i'm not jinxing it, but the world is currently as close to perfect as i'd like it to be :D -touch wood!

LIFE

2009-07-04T11:35:00.001+08:00

hmmm. what do i feel? i don't really know. nothing? possibly.

/

singaporeeee, here i come! (:

in serious and inconsequential chatter

2009-07-01T17:26:00.002+08:00

last night was a very interesting night of firsts. hmmm :D

it was weird but i guess i liked it.

/

climbing a tree was AWESOME why don't we ever do it in singapore!?

and then lying on the branches and hoping that they'd support us.. sigh

it's the bits and pieces of a brilliant second year that i'm packing up into boxes and suitcases now

dandy lions

2009-06-26T22:41:00.002+08:00

off to london in just a few days and then off HOME/TO SINGAPORE!

(am i happy or am i sad?)

/

life's just fine and dandyyy :D

so says I

2009-06-18T18:21:00.003+08:00

now that my exams are over, life does seem a little bit emptier. especially because i keep wanting to kick myself for not studying harder D:

/

but i'm really happy about the way some things have been going recently, so i just hope this keeps up. i'm so excited about the things i will be doing for the rest of the year:

summer jobs (theatre here i come!),
summer holidaying with best friends to the places i've always dreamed of visiting (KOREAAAA AND JAPAAAAAAN),
scuba-diving/kayaking (GEN!),
going to malaysia for shopping and eating trips with friends and family,
planning for the amazing drama thing (it better be amazing!),
executing the amazing drama thing back in york,
doing an english module next term that sounds brilliant,
and basically starting my final year at uni OMG.

/

Everybody's having fun except me I'm the lonely one
I live in shame

/

to have such conflicting feelings all the time, i suppose this is what it means to be a thinking, feeling person.

do i settle for less or do i wait for more?

isn't that a question that will always plague us? not knowing whether, if by settling down, we've missed out on this One True Great Thing haha.

like how children are given the choice of eating one sweet immediately, or waiting for ten minutes and getting to eat far more.

is the immediate hunger (or to be more honest: greed) more pressing than the promise of greater satisfaction?

but how do we know we aren't being tricked? maybe.. there are no extra sweets after all :/

as much love as there are dreams born

2009-06-04T08:48:00.003+08:00

somehow everytime i come to this page to blog i have a news song playing and their song titles are always so nice

/

can't believe there are only 4 weeks left of summer term! i almost don't want to go back - the weather here's too amazing. it's hot and cold at the same time and a day doesn't end til 10pm cos that's when the sun sets. brilliant

/

i don't know if i'll be a good teacher but i guess i can keep trying.. the worrying thing is that i don't know what i'm going to do with my life after that.

D:

are prospects that important to me? no, not really i think. then what is? is it possible that there's nothing in my life important enough for me to fight for, to work towards?

i don't quite know anymore

Let's make a world with everyone and give and take a bit more love

2009-05-25T12:26:00.004+08:00

argh pulling an all-nighter at this age is no joke

why do i suddenly feel so old at 20? (and at 5.30am) haha

/

and i STILL haven't finished my syntax D:

/

Young Warriors of the Yang Clan (2006) is possibly one of the best dramas i've seen in a long time.

it's family-oriented, and a bit didactic but nevertheless good for you. i love all the fighting - the women get to kick butt too!

it's a bit lengthy at 43 episodes, but i think that makes the viewer invest so much more into the characters and so you sniffle like mad when anything bad happens to them

/

i have a love/hate relationship with the amount of sunlight hours we get now. the sun only sets after 9pm and rises at about 3am. o m g this is so depressing for someone who hasn't slept a wink

due

2009-05-19T02:11:00.002+08:00

there are some days when you really just want to kick off your shoes, snuggle in bed and watch a film you've watched so many times you say the lines before the characters do.

today feels like one of those - except i haven't any shoes to kick off because i haven't stepped out of the house the entire day, and i haven't done anything today that merits a movie in bed ARGH

i seriously need to bury this lazy streak of mine, it's been going on for far too long

/

syntax, do i love you or hate you?

But we're happy... Aren't we?

2009-05-17T00:37:00.002+08:00

i think i seriously have something for movies/dramas that have dialogue so beautiful and unreal they can almost never be spoken in real life. where the characters speak as if they walked out of a movie set, because why else are we watching films if not to see and hear what we cannot when we are sipping coffee looking out of shop windows? we want the aching beauty, that kind of mundane poetry

alice/jane probably has the best lines in Closer and she's gorgeous too

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

Alice: Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.

/

i can't believe i'm almost done with my second year - just a couple of weeks more and it'll be the summer holidays!

hmm where should i go during the two weeks off i have before it's time to return to singapore?

though before i answer that question i really should settle down and properly work on my intermediate syntax -strangles self

晚睡

2009-04-19T06:31:00.007+08:00

你是否一個晚睡的人
很多事情不知怎樣問
早晨醒來之後深夜入睡之前
愁緒隱隱上升又下沉

好不容易遇到一個人
他讓你心動卻讓你傷神
明明很想見面卻又不敢靠近
這種心情只有自己心疼

這些年來你有多少遺憾
沒有太渴望
沒機會盡情地恨
這種平淡要誰來負責任

經過哪些地方你記得嗎
跟充誰說過什麼忘掉了嗎
就在下個街口
遇到喜歡的人
這種憧憬未免太天真

還是不可以睡得安穩
夢裡夢外都是一個人
究竟是太少感覺
還是太多時間
再過一天日子會不會變
快要入睡又是空白一天

/

Are you someone who sleeps late?
With many questions you don't know how to ask
On those mornings after you wake up, and the nights before you fall asleep
Melancholy keeps surfacing then ebbing

It's so hard to find someone
Who makes your heart beat, but hurts you at the same time
You want to meet, but you aren't brave enough to get close
This is the kind of feelings that makes your heart ache

All these years, you must have had regrets
Never hoping for too much
Never having the chance to enjoy hating someone
Who's responsible for this kind of dullness?

Do you still remember the places you've passed by
Or the things you've said and to whom?
Somehow hoping to meet the person you like
At the next street
Isn't that a bit naive?

You still can't sleep soundly
Whether dreaming or waking you're always alone
Is it because you don't feel enough
Or there's just too much time?
Will things change tomorrow?
Just when you're about to fall asleep it's already morning

/

lovely song, though i think my english translation doesn't really do it justice.

...

ESSAY ESSAY ESSAY D:

how's your halo

2009-03-05T06:21:00.001+08:00

i don't even realise how incredibly lucky and loved i am.

thank you (:

my six words memoir

2009-02-17T05:30:00.004+08:00

something that needs fixing = something wrong

if someone sees it fit to give you advice (entirely of their own volition), doesn't it mean that they think something isn't right in your life?

i need to learn to be less sensitive, maybe.

/

sigh i always seem to have so much time to blog when i have tons of work to do D:

she doesn't need

2009-02-09T19:29:00.006+08:00

D:<

a few minor irritating things have happened recently, i hope that my jinx didn't carry over into the (lunar) new year!

/

the Argentinian restaurant El Gaucho was really good. the food was yummy and the service felt quite authentic. it was impressive right from the start when they served warm bread with (homemade?) garlic and herb infused butter.

then we got the solomillo steak (the most expensive one there!) and an archuleton steak along with their home-made chips, salads and chimichurri. the solomillo was medium rare done and it was FAB. firm but yielding and bursting with flavour. but i guess for the amount we spent that was to be expected (£27 each).

we didn't get any wine but we did get dessert, a dulce de leche pancake and this interesting sweet potato with cheese and jam platter. at the end of it all i really couldn't move. and i was happy about it. so it was good stuff :D

/

Reign Over Me is an awesome awesome movie - i don't care if the critics called it a b-list movie, or if there were really just 5 of us at the student cinema watching it. Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle have stolen my heart :/

i don't know.. maybe there are perils in being far too close and honest with someone. unless i'm willing to render myself THAT vulnerable, it doesn't seem like a decision i'd consciously make. because it's no longer just fun and games is it?

the truth of fiction

2009-02-01T05:14:00.002+08:00

sigh am getting so sick of writing essays, though i probably wrote tons more in jc than i do now! :/

regardless! am only going to start on my essay now though i have been fiddling around with the topic for the whole of today.

i hope i'll be able to do most of it before getting some sleep, because it's going to be a busy day tomorrow! have readings to do for other lectures, and also pineapple tarts to make (:

thank god there's a vending machine with LOTS of chocolate just downstairs. i have a feeling i'm going to be needing kitkat peanut butter chunky and snickers in just a few hours.

/

on a completely silly note, the korean hana yori dango is turning out quite nicely! -squeal.

and happy lunar new year, everyone! (:

hot n' cold

2008-12-27T02:11:00.006+08:00

theme song for the trip - quite apt actually, everything was both crazily awesome and downright depressing. so um it's sort of hot and cold? haha right. also they played this song whenever we were in the car! (which was quite often)

anyway i must write it all down because this is the type of holiday that one must not forget about, everrr! too insane. it's a bit long-winded though so i don't expect anyone will be reading it except me, in a few years. haha

UK - MICHIGAN

1) awful check-in period
the guy keeps frowning at my passport, claiming that he has seen plenty of singaporean passports before but that mine is just odd. so he goes to consult with other officers about it, and whether to bar (!?) me from flying.

he takes ten minutes at least. in the meantime i am left isolated, staring into space. in boredom and nervousness i take out my phone and text some friends. then i resume stoning.

he returns with another officer - a seriously scary guy who looks like a walrus. he has tiny teary hooded eyes and whenever i look into them i feel like crying also :/ apparently he's from the US and his job is to stop people with forged passports from entering. okayyyyy.

he asks loads of questions, like "did you make your own passport?" like duh right i have to go to the immigration authorities in person to make it, so i say yes. he latches onto that! "you MADE it?" and "are you from china?" as well as "when did you get your passport made then?" i am unnerved, though i have done nothing wrong. for the record, my passport is a first generation biometric >:/

later he questions me about the holidays i've been on. here i start cursing my lousy memory. he asks when it was that i went to italy and i say last year. i only remember later that it was actually during easter hols 2008. shit. they remark also that my features and hairstyle seem to have changed a lot D:

after a very very long time, they decide to let me pass. but not without warning me that they'll be calling up the singaporean embassy etc. they also ask what it was i was doing with my mobile while waiting for them - and that it looked very suspicious. O M G

2) yj's car accident
after a while i get over that horrible check-in and start getting psyched up about seeing yj and visiting the US!!! i call her excitedly and remind her to pick me up on time.

the connecting flight (chicago-detroit) is delayed and i end up reaching DTW later than expected. i see yj's text about her being in a car accident (OMGOMGOMG) and asking me to call her when i land.

i call and she's in shock. she was alone in the car and 5 minutes from the airport when she lost control of the car and skidded. (she was reading a map at the same time, so that explains things) she banged into the railings and spun around, a lot. but because the car works she decides to continue driving to the airport anyway and comes to pick me up.

we end up waiting for a tow truck at the airport for hours because her car was emitting smoke and making weird sounds on the way there. her friends come to pick us up.

3) lost luggage
my luggage is lost in transit. the lady at the counter fears that it won't be until the day after that it gets to me. i am amused when they give me a small kit that contains nonsense like a XL tshirt that says northwest airlines.

my bag only arrives the day after at 2am.

at least i have insane fun taking part in snowball fights with yj's friends.

MICHIGAN

4) driving to boyne mountains
yj's friend is driving when he loses control (the roads are very icy and there is a lot of snow). we hit the divider that is luckily packed full of snow. the impact is minimal but we spin around a bit before getting back into position.

an accident is actually a really interesting thing - it's slow-motion but at the same time, it happens too fast for you to do anything.

the car emerges with a crack and a scrape.

5) boyne mountains!!!
omg skiing and snowboarding was DAMNNNNN fun! :D:D:D

spent the first day and half of the second skiing. super exciting - yj's friend teaches us how to and we just zip down the slopes recklessly. then yj falls and injures her knee quite badly. shit.

so the second day she rests and i go skiing with yj's friend. we go crazy and decide to try a difficult slope. he unnerves me by going first, warning me that the slope is actually too steep and then he falls halfway. i go down after him, see him fall and decide to fall also. we are sort of paralysed by fear and unable to move. hahaha

with the helpful coaching of some kind snowboarders i take fifteen minutes to safely get down the slope. it is a horrendous experience.

but snowboarding is so freaking fun! i hurt my knees and bum because i fell a lot though :D

6) on our way to toronto
yj's friend drives for many hours before yj takes over. i sit next to her and have fun keeping us both awake. we are carefully driving under 40mph on the right lane when a car zooms past on the left and somehow bangs into us. we spin. it is, again, crazy.

the doors on the left (driver and backseat) are dented and crumpled quite badly. the back door almost cannot close. we also lose a side mirror.

we go to a petrol station and wait for the sheriff. in the meantime, we have to pretend that yj's friend was driving and not yj, because he rented the car under his name only.

he ends up paying $1000 as deductible to the rental company. we are crossing our fingers that he gets the money back, and that the other party's insurance is going to cover everything!

7) no more plans
we cancel our toronto hostel reservation - we don't have the rented car nor the energy to continue.

we eat at an amazing japanese restaurant and get free miso soup!

MICHIGAN - UK

8) airport delays
i dilly dally buying chocolates and endure bad traffic to arrive at the airport at 4pm, when my flight is at 4pm. shit.

luckily it is delayed. i hug yj farewell and happily queue to check in.

then i find out that because it is delayed several hours, i will miss my connecting flight to the uk. there is only one such flight a day. this means i can only take the connection on 24th, and will arrive in uk on christmas. craaaap.

they issue me new tickets - for tomorrow noon.

i want to cry, but do not. i have no money and no phone credit. luckily i can withdraw cash from the atm with my maestro card. so i arm myself with food and call yj to moan.

i find out that they were involved in an accident after leaving the airport. shit, am i such a jinx? they are waiting for the police, and decide that they will come pick me up after filing the report. this way i won't have to wait at the airport for more than 12 hours.

9) being penniless sucks
the next day, while waiting for my connecting flight i decide to grab a bite at macs. i only have $5 left plus some coins. i choose a cheap meal and order. i find out that i forgot to add in taxes. i don't have enough money, even after downgrading from a big n tasty with cheese to one without. a kind lady gives me a quarter.

because i have no money and staying outside where all the restaurants are will tempt me, i decide to go in to look for my gate even though i have 6 hours more to kill. all the airport staff i encounter warn me that going in will be boring but i forge ahead nonetheless. i sleep for 3 hours and listen to my ipod for the other 3.

UK

10) parting with pounds
i meet a lovely bbc on the plane and we strike up a bit of a conversation. her boyfriend is singaporean. haha

i eat a lot on the plane because i am starving.

i land and everyone is extremely helpful. they are also very practical; i have no option but to book a hotel or call a cab if i want to go back to york. the lady at the information counter even asks, "is there no one you can GROVEL to, and ask them to pick you up from here?" no, lady, unfortunately there is no one.

i don't want to scrounge around for accommodation and balk at the idea of staying with unfamiliar people, even if they might be kind enough to offer a room. i decide to take a taxi back. it costs more than £100 and my heart breaks. i say yes anyway.

there you have it! craziness condensed into 7 days and further reduced to 10 parts in a blog entry. now i have to wait for nice photos from other people because i was too lazy to take (m)any. the holiday was actually really fun also but somehow the awful/ really eventful moments just stick in the mind more, you know? haha jill you missed a hell of a lot :D:D

GRINCH! ):

2008-12-24T16:47:00.003+08:00

omg this is insaneeee - i'm still in michigan and will only be back in manchester at 8am on christmas. awful weather conditions made me miss my earlier connecting flight and i'm going to have nowhere to go now ):

because how on earth am i going to make my way from manchester to york when all the trains have shut down and there are no buses to take me home?! i can't even get a cab because a 2hour train ride = a very very expensive cab ride. will a driver even want to take me that far!? (70km at least i think)

but i guess i'll decide between a cab / a hotel / staying over at the airport. the last option's quite disgusting cos it's christmas after all!!! also i don't know if i can get a train on 26th, might have to wait til 27th. in that case a hotel might be better, so i can get a shower and sleep and all that. this is going to kill me though, seriously.

the holiday has been a chaotic adventure so far (a long 'interview' before being allowed to check in, lost luggage, 3 car accidents, many changes in itinerary etc) and i can't even get home safely on time. ughhhh hahaha but i guess if you don't experience such craziness now, when will you ever? D:<

please someone else decide / book / pay for everything for me!

i get along, with a little help from my friends

2008-12-05T22:53:00.002+08:00

this has been a little bit insane, the past two months.

so many small stupid things have happened that i'm starting to wonder if i'm supposed to end 2008 on a bad note. but i guess things tend to balance out eventually so i'm going to try not to think so much.

but i sort of feel jinxed now! haha

1) falling horribly sick after halloween, with conjunctivitis, a fever and being unable to do certain things
2) problems with my english tutor (that still seem to be unresolved but i'll just hope for the best)
3) COLD SORE D:< enough said.
4) my ambivalence towards certain issues/people now
5) small accidents, like always being late, forgetting important things, and slipping in the snow HAHA

it just seems ridiculous that i could have gone through the first year of uni without much fuss, only to have all this crap land on my plate at the start of my second?! but i guess there have been many things making up for it, so really must avoid wondering if the universe is conspiring against me haha. OKAY! :D

/

i'm so SUPREMELY EXCITED about the upcoming christmas holidays!

i mean, i get to go to usa (ok maybe not the big apple, this depends) and go skiing in canada and all that nonsense? how can a girl sit still, honestly :D i love the idea that travel is so easy and so.. possible, now. the freedom can get a bit exhilarating hehe

less than two weeks now, friends. WOOHOO

Liquor & Innocence

2008-11-13T18:44:00.004+08:00

(such an apt song name? haha) ARGH so annoyed.

why did i go out last night when i knew i had a tutorial today? kill me now. ended up being late for the tutorial and incurring the wrath of my tutor. and it's the horrid kind of guilt that she manages to heap on me, because i HAVE been irresponsible. (previously missed seminar & delayed my essay etc.) shit. now i will probably have a terrible grade for this module because my inability to be punctual and responsible is catching up with me D:<

on the other hand, part of the reason i was so late was because she didn't tell us where her office was or what the entry code for the building was. but of course if i said all that then that would have been too bitchy. (and it would just have sounded like an excuse)

/

ON TO HAPPIER THINGS PLEASE:

i am going to michigan to visit yujin over the christmas holidays WOOHOOOOOOO

bought the tickets and settled everything already, so the only thing to do is to look forward to going YAY!

unfortunately i will only be staying with her for a week and then returning on 24th, so will be spending christmas in york. hope it's going to be a lovely white christmas!!! fingers crossed.

/

argh but am seriously upset. with myself and with everything ): and now i've got to come up with something else for my upcoming assessed essay. really, she hates me!!!

pulcra sunt quae visa placent

2008-10-31T21:35:00.002+08:00

those things are beautiful which please when they are seen.

/

i want to read Coming Up For Air and Shopping & F***king.

but i only ever get such literary urges when i have other pressing things to do. lots of things to do.

my essay is dying, dying, dieded.

"drownded"

i have been confused lately, this is terrible.

life is wonderful and terrible at the same time, "a terrible beauty is born"

which reminds me of groups! i did yeats just the other week, and i'll be doing eliot's The Wasteland this monday!!! (excitement but also apprehension because i haven't properly read the poem just yet. essay still not slain, that's why.)

/

Guy Fawkes Night is coming up soon!!! super exciting, because i think we will be buying fireworks and setting them off!!! woweeeeee :D

falling slowly

2008-09-28T22:40:00.003+08:00

i can't say for sure which parts of me have changed, but i know i have.

whether it's in the way i think about things, or how i treat people now, or even the way i am more conscious of how i behave, things aren't quite the same anymore. but i can't say if it's bad or good.

hmmm how do you say it? now that we're all getting older, it's harder yet at the same time easier to make new friends. does it also become more mechanical? something like that.

and a friend said the other day, a long time ago, that she didn't want to meet up because she said it would be awkward now. and i didn't really know what to say. what do you say to these things, when you also know they're true? :/

/

this summer holiday has been lovely so far and i don't want it to end so soon ):

not that going back would be awful; being alone (but not lonely!) over there helps you realise how nice it is to have people you love around you over here.

i haven't done very much these 4 months, and it's a bit strange whenever relatives keep asking in surprise, "oh, you're still here in singapore? how come? what are you doing now then?" i never have a satisfactory answer.

yep, i've crewed for a month, gone on a holiday, slacked for two months, and am now wasting my time away doing ctrl+c and ctrl+v at school. ha. ha. ha.

but what can i say? the sun has been awesome and the food wonderful. most of all, even though loads of people i meet have said something about my fat face - ARGH the pain&embarrassment :D - it's been good meeting them.

CHANGE

2008-08-06T03:49:00.003+08:00

it's been ages since i was so moved by something. i must admit, CHANGE is far too idealistic in its character portrayal.. but for a drama, it's good enough to make me want to be less apathetic. and that's amazing enough.

/

am enjoying crewing immensely with ming :D how can it be that some people are actually lucky enough to do this for a living!?

walking after you

2008-06-24T03:20:00.002+08:00

BACK IN SINGAPORE :D

i wish you love

2008-05-23T20:17:00.007+08:00

today was a sad and happy day haha and i don't know what to feel, exactly

it was my last day at school with the insanely KYYYUUUUTTTEEEE kids for ysis and omg i really am going to miss them terribly. compared to any acquaintances i've made at uni, those kids actually mean much more D:

i didn't know whether or not to tell them that i was leaving cos it might have been a bit like making a big deal out of nothing, so i didn't. it was really sweet though, because i think they must have guessed. they kept waving and shouting bye while running around for pe. i'll miss jacob and kyndall and jak the most i think, also adam amy sam mary daniel and lauren.. and basically all the kids in the reception class ):

and then i saw a hedgehog/porcupine today. first time in my life seeing one up close but it was dead, and kicked to a side on the path. aww

but the happy bits were accidentally overhearing a korean grandmother tell her grandchild "saranghaeyo" and giving out balloons and seeing adorable families of horses!!!

So Young (The Corrs) is playing on my itunes but we're not so young anymore, damn it. and it all does matter actually, somehow. haha i have no idea why i'm so angsty today.

maybe its because bitchy fake people bug me greatly. i hate the idea that people can be so incredibly dense, hypocritical and shallow. it makes me feel as if i might have wasted my time just talking to them, seriously. i wish i could shrug this off easily but it annoys me far too much. i almost feel like running up to them (her, especially) and calling her BEEEEEECH to her face. and i guess the thing that makes this sore most of all is the fact that i tried so hard at the start, and i DID like her at the start very much, they were all so good at pretending to be such nice people. (pretending, because now they're just really bitchy gossipers who talk behind people's backs)

i know i can't exactly judge her/them because i'm not much better a person in many ways, but why can't we all be happy and get along, that's what i want to know

take that, you!

2008-05-06T19:30:00.003+08:00

haha i haven't felt (very) worked up about anything for ages. i was actually worried that i was mellowing :D gasp imagine that!

anyway so it sort of feels good to be miffed about something now. haha to actually have intense feelings about something, even if they're negative.

didn't realise how i've neglected having that kind of narrow-eyed focus. whether to laugh incredibly unbelievably hard, weep madly or things like that..

it IS possible to live without it, in a sort of vaguely comfortable floating along way. which has been my bubble for the past months i guess. but maybe there should be something more?

the kite runner is a brilliant movie by the way, please watch it! it moved me at various points to tears and i heard many other people sniffing too.

speaking of sniffing apparently there was this girl sniffing (drugs) on the streets the other day. nothing is ever what it's cut out to be.

the best ant

2008-04-20T20:11:00.004+08:00

haha omg what's happening to me? i used to have so much to say and rattle on about, but nowadays i can hardly be bothered to update this.

i guess its partly to do with how my life has become quite routine/mundane, and there's nothing much to moan about. i mean, even if there is, i wouldn't really say cryptic things over here anymore to make myself feel better. haha i shouldn't, really.

/

i was watching this funny drama the other day, and there was one really poignant moment that just captured everything about what it means to live so deftly with one solid analogy.

the characters were talking about their happiest moments, and one guy, A, said it was when he went for a picnic ages ago with his family. that was the happiest moment ever because it was both happy and sad, because

A: “Let’s say there was an ant. That ant lived very diligently, working to become the best ant in the world. But one day, all of a sudden, he realized he was an ant. If someone’s foot were to come down on him, he could die for no reason at all.”
B: “What’s so happy about the day you realized that?”
A: “What I mean is, it’s not so much being happy as it is knowing that this ordinary life could disappear at any moment, so a day that’s not special at all suddenly feels precious.”

and i think that's something i forget all the time. sigh. i focus so much on the things that matter only superficially that i forget this very important fact about what happiness means, and what life is about :/

Romangaria

2008-04-04T19:58:00.003+08:00

got back some time ago from the hungary-romania-rome(italy) trip and it was a nightmare and adventure rolled into one haha

it was seriously the craziest holiday i've ever been on, because i um did so many things i never will do again (i think!) like sleeping on trains and on airport floors - ugh! - and climbing the carpathian mountains with no guide and basically being silly.

budapest in hungary wasn't too bad, it was fairly exciting and the monuments and places of interest were rather fascinating. i thought the church in a cave was really nice, and so was the tribute to those who died in the war (the shoes cemented on the seaside?) and it was nice trying to communicate in another language haha!

then romania.. which was honestly the most insane part of the trip, in retrospect. we didn't speak a single word of romanian and umm we had all these encounters with gypsy children and vagrants coming up to ask for money persistently. it was also not as vampirish as we expected (ahh, all our weird fantasies about confronting vampires or being scared out of our wits by some legends).. the sleeping on trains and on the airport floor bits came in here, i think we all were a bit too idealistic hehe. we thought that we would be able to manage as adventurous backpackers but hahahah that wasn't quite the case. i mean, i felt so unsafe at parts that i was so horribly thankful for policemen actually! like that time we were waiting for a few hours at a train station for our train (from 12-2) and these weird people kept sleeping on chairs near us in a threatening manner or people just gawking at us because i think there were so few asians there! then we also took a rickety bus into a village-y sort of place to attempt our carpathian climb and they tried to cheat us of our money, and the dogs were so scary and it was a tiring expedition because we had our backpacks with us throughout ugh. but it was a good experience.

rome was nice and cultured and delicious hehehe. the >100 flavours gelato place was heaven! on the last day, we all got 6 scoops, and wj actually got 9! haha :D i had fun there, though i've come to realise that i'm really not the sort to rise early to explore a place on a holiday. if left to my own devices.. haha i might just waste my holidays away! but all the places were worth seeing: the vatican, the spanish steps, trevi fountain, catacombs.. if not for the places themselves, then at least for the interesting characters we met (like this guy who thought he was such a brilliant photographer haha!)

and now i'm safely ensconced in my york room once more, with absolutely no plans but the slackest for the remaining weeks! sigh why am i such a bum. haha but i do have my socioling proj to worry about (i only just remembered! :/) and spanish to study for. Donde es mi amor por espanol?

/

having long talks can be immensely revealing and sometimes i think i see sides of myself i'm not quite sure i want to see. why is it so difficult to just be myself, and why must i keep thinking about what i must/should do versus what i really want to do?

aiyoh you would think that, seeing as i'm going to turn twenty this year OMG, i might just cease to be so indecisive and stupid about things but it seems a hard habit to break (just like cracking my knuckles!) :D

i might take the risk of being human with you

2008-03-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

i am sometimes plagued by the strangest emotions/ weirdest thoughts

in the midst of thinking about things like love and friendship and school, i suddenly find myself also wondering why we try so hard for. we're just really small people trying to live as best as we can, and if you consider life and everything with that in mind, then things become a lot clearer and simpler.

the world's too big for us to change irreversibly; if we don't falter in the face of a stern unyielding world, if we don't moan over the huge things we can't alter, we can still make a difference in many small ways. and that's most important, maybe?

i'm going to try.

the sound of one hand clapping

2008-03-03T07:46:00.004+08:00

thing is, if you're someone who's got to be responsible for other people, what happens when the responsibility starts getting too heavy?

i don't remember ever being a shirker but i suppose you could call me one now. yes, shirker sounds just about right. i really would much prefer the word 'friend', and i know you would too, sorry.

what do i want to be, and how do i do it? i really have no idea.

/

sigh sometimes all these things don't matter, not one bit, not when you're walking alone and listening to sad music and the sun is shining on your face while the wind whips your hair around and you're hot-and-cold.

they don't matter when you're curled up in a comfortable position in your room, reading and sipping hot tea while the wind continues howling outside.

but if i see your face then it all comes rushing back and i think, why am i so horrible. but is being sincerely nice the most important thing, you think? i think so.

for my passion wars against the stiff brocade

2008-02-13T23:19:00.003+08:00

i've a feeling i'm going to just meander my way through life. gasp. how.. depressing.

i'm twenty this year and i haven't got the faintest idea what i REALLY want in life. it embarrasses me greatly when i have nothing to say if people ask me what life means to me, and what i'm going to do with it.

i know, those are great big issues we might not need to grapple with just yet but.. i'm TWENTY. i'm possibly 1/3 of my way through life and i still haven't figured out what i want from it?

religion (or lack of?) probably has something to do with it; usually if you've got something as rock certain as faith, there's a reassurance and even maybe a subconscious conviction that you're going SOMEWHERE with your life, even if you aren't.

and i'd like to believe that when we die, we don't go anywhere. we just disappear, and then all that remains of us will be memories and even that will die.

but if we all just become nothing, then what's the point of living? of trying to make something when the transience is already so apparent?

sometimes i think i know the answer, that we live because we must and because everything is beautiful and because it is breathtaking and amazing, the idea that we can live and breathe and think and FEEL.. but other times i'm entirely unconvinced.

/

today ming and i sort of had a walk and a picnic around campus because the sun was shining so brilliantly and because we were supposed to be exercising! haha it was really nice to have the sun beating down and to feel breezy and cool at the same time. these days the sky is often cloudless and beautiful.

it's when you're not hidden away in your room and thinking a bit too much about things that you find that living is really rather worth it :D if i can't make myself believe that (and anyway it might just be true) then i'd just be a moody depressed bitch so i must!

happiness is...?

2008-02-09T19:52:00.000+08:00

the weather is turning warmer and sunnier these days, which makes it hot but cold to walk down the streets. ahah i'm not sure if you'll get what i mean, but it's just a bit odd for the weather to be two extremes at the same time.

but anyway, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, friends!

sweet charity (the musical) last night was really quite good by the way. the staging was nifty, and the dances and most songs managed to hit the spot.

it was really funny how ming and i ended up going for the musical in such an impromptu manner. we were actually supposed to have gone for capoeira in a bid to increase out fitness levels, but we got lost and couldn't find the bloody gym. when we finally found it, we couldn't get in, and were only able to watch from outside like a couple of perverts, and the lesson was ending anyway!

so we walked back and ended up going for sweet charity. how nonsensical, i know! :D

/

hmm anyway i think a few of us are going to hungary and romania for easter holidays, EXCITING STUFF! we're going to budapest and transylvania, tentatively :D omg i'm going to arm myself with loads of garlic and that kind of nonsense haha!

we were actually planning to go to italy and vienna but because we didn't finalise everything and book tickets, they're now a bit beyond our budget ): nevertheless i'm sure the destinations now are intriguing enough!!! woohoo!

/

do you love people because you know them, or do you know them because you love them?

i'm not quite sure which one comes first, but somehow i think it matters. or you might probably ask, how can you love someone without knowing them, but you can, you see.

1,888 words

2008-01-30T20:21:00.000+08:00

i am massively screwed for my essay

SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

/

can't wait to make coca cola chicken tonight for the dinner haha wonder if it'll turn out weird :D

grandma death

2008-01-22T09:58:00.000+08:00

oh gosh i am not going to be able to stop gushing about films and/or books, i see. haha

anyway, i HAVE TO urge all of you to go watch Donnie Darko. it is an amazing film, seriously. the kind that stays with you, even after you leave the cinema? the kind that makes you want to go home and check it out on imdb because you know there's so much more to the movie still and you don't want to think about anything else just yet. it's that kind.

some parts frightened me a bit because it seems so easy to lose touch with reality (but does he ever, really?) and it seems so easy to believe in the world around you even if you know it might not be true.

but basically it's about this teenager Donnie Darko and his giant bunny rabbit friend/hallucination. good stuff.

/

is it self-obsession/self-centredness to wonder if i am too self-obsessed a person?

sigh i wish i could be kind and good and lovely and all those things but i know i'm not. sometimes it worries me that i'm so not-good, but sometimes..

i just, well, don't care.

never let me go

2008-01-15T07:43:00.001+08:00

aiyoh i want to kick myself for not keeping up with my reading after having left school. i think i lost a lot of time watching random videos on youtube when i could have been getting my teeth into some really brilliant novels and works sigh

and i've only just realised this (yes! only just!) because of the amazing novel Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

for a while i really thought i lost it, you know: the magical feeling of being immersed in another world as your eyes devour word after word.. when you're really impatient to know the whole story, but don't want to read it too quickly because then the story would end.

nothing in the novel stood out particularly enough for me to notice it and sigh that it was a special beautiful phrase or expression, but everything came together to make me feel, and i think that's most important. i intend to go read Remains of the Day now, seeing how it was even made into a film.

yay i am not beyond hope (i've not become too much of a korean and jap drama/pop addict just yet! :D)

yellow tears

2008-01-11T07:00:00.000+08:00

i've just finished a brilliant jap movie, yellow tears, and i think nino is an amazing actor. seriously. even if he's just acting as himself, then at the very least it was well-cast. the movie was very moving. (and ohno deserves special mention too! i liked his character and his acting was good (:)

watching it was beautiful and real because it's so bittersweet and so true. what does (artistic) freedom mean to you, and how much are you willing to give up for what you love and what you believe in? ugh it sounds so much like some cliched trite movie about growing up, but it's more than that.

it's just, well, just about.. life; one summer in the lives of four dreamers.

and here's my favourite quote from the movie (apparently actually a quote from sartre i think):

"In the face of my life all I can do is panic. Such is my useless and pathetic youth... Now, what we acquire along with our first wrinkle is our trust in life, this consent and this smile which says, Friend, I know all about you. Looking back, we will learn... Life never deceives man... Life... has never deceived man."

in the face of my life all i can do is panic. how utterly apt.

2008!

2008-01-05T04:39:00.000+08:00

oh gosh can't believe it's already days into the new year, and that i'm going to turn twenty this year OMG! haha it feels very very surreal.

but it's been a fairly good start because on the 3rd, it ACTUALLY SNOWED! how EXCITING!!! we went out into the snow to do silly fun stuff like have snowball fights and we actually built a snow family (man + woman + child) hahaha

/

i often wish i have the courage to say things that i want to say, instead of being afraid to speak out all the time, in ALL aspects of my life.

because it is just silly to worry excessively about whether what i want to say in seminars is right/sounds intelligent enough, and then end up not saying it. (and most of the time, before i can finally pluck up the courage to say it, my tutor gets there first D:)

because it makes me feel very choke-y when there's something i feel i should mention but don't dare to because i don't want anything/anyone damaged. and then when it turns back round to bite my ass, i regret it most of all :/

so many things to think about! sociolinguistics does sort of make you look at people more closely, if not differently. haha

/

ok i know it is silly to do this but i feel like doing it anyway (indulge me lah, one last year before i'm no longer a teen ok!)

wish list 2008

1) for me to always meet people on time if they are the punctual sort too! (and to go to lectures on time)
2) for people, or myself really, to stop being too caught up with petty thoughts/trivial worries when there are Serious Things actually happening in the world
3) for friends and family to be healthy and happy, please
4) for singaporean/chinese cuisine over here in york whenever i feel like having it
5) (and finally, like all wish lists) for World Peace

hahaha it felt like a mandatory wish, the last one. but of course i hope it comes true

now quick someone get me off the computer and back to socioling lvc!!! :/

but if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine!

2007-12-29T08:26:00.000+08:00

i got back today, a few hours ago, from my mad trip to glasgow-paris-london.

i feel like i need to catch my breath; time passed by a bit too quickly while travelling, and time has passed by far too quickly this year.

i'm just days away from the end of 2007 and am feeling rather melancholic. where have all the people, the happiness and the laughter gone?

it's been a crazy year i think, and memories from the first half of the year seem very distant and hazy now.

too many things have happened, piling up one on top of another, so it's really almost like the silt that just layers and hardens decade after decade. i can't decide if all this is good or bad. sometimes if the layers of mud and dust cake too much and too heavily, will the foundations crack? what happens then?

i think i have learnt a lot more about growing up in the months out here than i have ever in my life. because of this i feel, all the more, that the only secrets i need to keep from the people that matter to me are the secrets that will never do anyone any good. aiyoh i sound so sly and act-mysterious but really i just mean to be more honest.

/

glasgow (during the short weekend we had there) was fairly nice. we went to some lovely spots, like the kelvingrove museum i think, and the gardens. but it was no mind-blowing experience.

paris, on the other hand, was far more exciting and eventful. first european country for me leh, you must understand! haha. i loved that i sometimes couldn't be understood (or they were just pretending, i don't know) if i spoke in english hahah weird as it might sound. i loved that there were all kinds of people (more diverse than glasgow!) and they were all united by the language, and the culture. i loved the quaint little bakeries everywhere, i loved the sights and the sounds and smells. eiffel tower was amazing (we climbed the stairs too!).

also exciting was how elaine jo and i came down with food poisoning the night before we were to leave paris. it was gross: all 3 of us throwing up and feeling generally awful and feverish. after that i felt very drained and no longer enthusiastic. it was disgusting because i became too tired and sick to feel excited about anything.

had to force our way to london in a haze of discomfort. gery's aunt was really really nice to let me stay though gosh (: i had a quiet little peaceful christmas with them. london, basically, was madness - the crazy sales were crazy only because of the chaotic crowds. no impressive bargains were to be found though we did hunt. BUT it was not a wasted journey haha i have a few small things now.

les miserables was also nice! i liked it quite a lot :D but i didn't cry. it's always like that: if they warn you beforehand that you most probably will cry, you end up NOT doing so. only exception so far has been i am sam, i think.

i will slowly put photos up, when i'm no longer lazy or listening to sad music and feeling rather.. weird.

nothing is funnier than unhappiness

2007-12-06T18:10:00.000+08:00

haha i MUST note this down because it was horribly funny when it happened. i couldn't stop laughing for at least a minute after that. it's a bit mean to laugh (schadenfreude!!) but it was also impossible not to HAHA. it happened last night but when i think about it now i still laugh!

so anyway.. when we were playing mahjong, wj kept saying how round my face was etc., and then he made a funny comment about dj as well. so she got annoyed, and threw the dice at him, and it landed right on his face! it really took us all by surprise cos we had no idea she was about to do it, and the dice actually got stuck between his nose bridge/eye and his spectacle lens. HAHA i'm not sure if you get what i mean, but it was just stuck :D it was horrible cos anything might have happened but it was funny cos nothing did, and it was just LODGED there and he had this look of horror/surprise and everyone was stunned into silence and.. you get the idea.

/

i'm rather excited about everything, suddenly!

in just a day and a week i shall be off to glasgow, then paris & versailles, then londonnnnn for postchristmas shopping and musical-watching! haha yay. i'm still wondering if i should splurge on les miserables OR wicked. i haven't watched both and they're about the same price.. and i can't AFFORD to watch both in one go haha. wicked is supposed to be really good (and the novel was lovely as well) but les mis is a classic. sigh i would watch both if i had time and money, really.

/

i had the weirdest dream last night! it's freaking me a out a bit, cos if dreams actually do reflect what you desire (maybe subconsciously), then could it be what i really want!?

i kind of hope not :/

& i've just concluded that it's a baaaaad idea to have a pretty and cosy-looking duvet. it just makes you want to abandon all work and snuggle in bed. crap.

horses in the city

2007-12-05T06:01:00.000+08:00

the weather's getting colder, and my skin's getting drier :/ but i really like rubbing lotion leisurely on my arms and legs. haha it's therapeutic and soothing, if you know what i mean.

/

it feels like i've been here for quite some time but really, it's only been 1/8 or is it 1/10 of my university life/period.

loooooong way more.. i wonder how i'll change. i don't want to get cynical or jaded or horribly old but i don't see how that can be avoided ever.

i can actually consciously FEEL the difference between here and singapore. haha wow big surprise there. no but seriously, i was far more sheltered than i could have imagined.

/

sometimes the more you get to know people, the more you find that you really don't know them at all. and that maybe they're not the type you thought they were.

vague, i know, but that's the best way to express these things. because otherwise they might come back to bite you on the butt. haha

/

let it SNOWWWWWWWW please i'm tired of waiting for the dreariness to pass and the pure whiteness to settle in!

if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life!

2007-11-28T09:13:00.001+08:00

fingersmith is a really terrific novel. even better than inheritance of loss, if you really must compare. (and i must, because i recently read both) inheritance took like 5 days to finish, slowly. fingersmith i finished just today, in a few stolen hours :D but the man booker prize went to inheritance. i suppose partly because it's a very culturally rich novel.

i've almost forgotten how good it feels to devour books just for fun and at my own pace.

/

i think sometimes we underestimate the power/consequences of our own decisions, and we later come to regret having made them.

but i still stand by what i said last time, a long time ago.

if you want to be happy, that means you're going to have to be selfish. don't give me all the nonsense about how everyone can live happily together without anyone being upset/excluded, because that's not going to happen.

if you want your own happiness badly enough, it usually isn't free even if you don't have to pay the price. the person who doesn't get it, pays. unless your happiness is something to do with.. air or something equally commonplace and available. but haha come on, that's as rare as .. a unicorn's backside or something.

which is why it all really boils down to how badly you want something. badly enough to feel ok even if you're depriving someone else? but honestly, you can't spend the rest of your life watching out for others can you? or maybe you can, only i don't know the secret to doing so just yet.

/

today during literature lecture on samuel beckett's plays, the lecturer mentioned something about life and purpose that really stayed with me.

he said that only when a man is no longer compelled to ask the purpose of existence and just lives, that he is fulfilling his purpose.

postponed happiness

2007-11-17T08:38:00.000+08:00

haha i realise i seldom blog about good stuff.. i only talk about emo and bad stuff over here.

BUT folks! the present is not all that bleak :D

lots of readings to do! but, am still feeling rather happy in general. no more pms-induced moodiness! for the time being, that is. i'm in a procrastinating kind of mood, as you can probably already tell, so i might as well elaborate hehe.

it was a lovely lovely night last night. had a great homecooked meal (soup, wonton, nasi bryani, chicken rice..) plus desserts (brownies, greek yoghurt ice-cream &apple pie/crisp), and then super funny games hahaha. we played monopoly singapore first (needless to say i snapped up Chinatown) then this amazingly crazy game of charades/taboo etc. hahaha it was a madeup game by lin and i laughed til i cried, seriously. madness.

the happy feeling carried over to today, because today was just nice in general (: the sky was terribly pretty and pastel (as usual). shopping for groceries always makes me feel happy somehow. i like the idea of feeding myself, and possibly making something nice to stuff other people's mouths with haha! then i did some work before watching Kungfu Hustle with a coursemate, a good friend really, who lives in the same building. just after watching, we went a bit crazy and decided to empty our recyclables in the middle of the night hahahah.

AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW'S MEAL (: korean's the way to go, seriously.

sometimes, you know, it just feels like there's a lot to look forward to. hooray! :D

i'm not looking for someone to talk to

2007-11-13T01:11:00.000+08:00

i don't know.. things are getting a wee bit complicated nowadays.

i guess as you settle in, and as the days go by, things change? haha sounds strange but it is true.

/

today was the start of my reading week and i really wasted it away. well, i had one seminar but it was only ONE. granted, the day is still not over (only 5pm!!) but it feels awfully late! partly cos the sky is completely dark already.

haha i need to work on my essay.. BEGIN it actually. also have the IPA chart to memorise, and bits and pieces of work here and there. many spanish exercises too!

/

i don't know if this is homesickness, but i really wish i could just curl up everyday the moment the sky got dark. and not have to talk to anyone.

to not have to be myself. because when you just curl up you become a shapeless lump and nobody expects anything. i don't know, things are just getting tiring somehow..

you know what. i think i'm sounding so emotional and silly because of my menstrual cycle. URGHHHHHH. hahahah sheesh.

don't sweep me off my feet!

2007-11-10T03:20:00.000+08:00

ooh the weather here is getting much colder these past few days! just 2days ago, i felt possibly the strongest wind i've ever felt hahaha. it blew so hard that i had to walk with more strength, if you get what i mean.

it's interesting that there are so many more guys here with long hair than in singapore! hahahaha. and thing is, they actually do manage to pull the look off decently well. (plus their hair is less damaged than mine ): )

/

and just a brief recap of everything so far..

linguistics has been challenging but nice in the way that it's not all vague and abstract? so far it seems very real and solid and do-able. the only bad thing is that i have close to no knowledge of regional accents in the uk. so socioling is a bit hard at the moment. but oh well, will work this out.

lit has been a bit tough. aiyah it's a bit depressing to even talk about it so let's not!

spanish is ok so far! haha i don't know how i did in the test, probably just passed. but am sort of having fun with this (: and i'm also considering travelling to mexico/peru to teach/volunteer next year? i can also choose to help out in a conservation project saving turtles in some part of spain!!! (but this all costs $$$)

/

AND I AM GOING TO FRANCE THIS DEC!!! hahahahah woohooooo. with a nice group of singaporeans :D so i hope things will work out well. we've booked most tickets etc (i say we, but really i am completely blur, and very passive hehe) so now i just have to wait for dec to come! one more month yay!

i hope to visit as many countries as possible during my time here but i miss singapore an awful lot ):

when i am here i sometimes feel i am a different person sigh i need more self-confidence around certain kinds of people! i could run crying to my housemate about this but i think i shan't, cos she won't be able to help me in any way constructive. i must do this myself (: OK? SET!

the black hole

2007-10-28T04:53:00.000+08:00

after reading a post on someone's journal about how she got sucked into the jpop world because of JE's very successful marketing ploys, i realise i have gone through pretty much the same!

the only difference is that mine isn't JE, but SM Ent.

a long, long time ago, yisha ruined my life (in the best possible way! hahaah). she told me about kim kibum - this pretty boy who is too cute to be true - & i went to look him up on youtube. keeping in mind that at that time (aug 2006), i wasn't very into youtube yet, this was the start of my downward spiral..

even though it was so bloody close to my prelims and my A levels, i went mad. honestly. :D

haha i started getting all fangirly and disgusting, sadly. because of kim kibum, i found out about love letter the variety show. through that, i got to know SUPER JUNIOR, the band kibum was in, which has THIRTEEN MEMBERS omg. i spent one month getting to know them and their voices better!! having to differentiate so many pretty faces was no joke ok. haha

i also thought there was a super cute young guy who sang brilliantly on the show (lee seung ki), a really funny cute guy who was a Korean American (brian from ftts), a hilarious comedian/singer (kjm from koyote)...

and then i got hooked on xman and heroine 6 (with subs of course haha!) as well as other korean dramas and game shows. at the same time, i watched everything related to super junior, watching most things twice!!! lunancy right. it helped that my sister was equally crazy so we just parked ourselves in front of the comp every night, homework forgotten.

i watched super junior full house (STRONGLY RECOMMENDED if you feel like diving into completely foreign waters), super adonis camp (with no subs!!! haha), the game shows they appeared on, all their performances, their mvs..

then i decided that to better understand everything, i needed to know more korean. so i tried learning on my own (i'm still stuck on grammar & vocab if you were interested haha).

though today i'm no longer quite as crazy over them as i used to be, i still like them. but i just realised that it's possible that i got totally into them partly to escape the stress of A levels. haha not that i was very stressed. but it was nice to have something/someone else to obsess over, really.

and my craze helped me get started on the korean language, which i think is really interesting actually. though i don't think i'm very free now, i'll probably try to continue learning it whenever i can ie pick up words by watching MORE gameshows hahahah.

/

shopping trip today to leeds!!! we had fairly good dimsum at a reasonable price :D it was so nice to sit and watch the chinese ktvs, to eat with chopsticks, to speak any old way..

i managed to get my hands on fried dace with black beans (oh heaven), an expensive piece of salted fish and.. that's mostly it.

haha i guess those were the most urgent and chinese things i needed. i already have soya sauce, oyster sauce, chilli padi, soup packets..

not that i'm gonna whip up excellent chinese cuisine though. haha i just think it's extremely comforting to be able to eat hot asian food in such cold weather and on the sometimes lonely days when you just miss home (:

floury apples ):

2007-10-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

if my parents knew what i've been eating over here in the past weeks they'd laugh, really.

i hate beans but i still had them for dinner the other day (they were free, you see). i don't really like tomatoes, but cherry tomatoes are practically a staple in my fridge now. i haven't had proper chilli / fiery food for ages too..

anyway i should really really be doing my essay now (for the union dead by robert lowell) but i can't - it's not that i don't want to, though!

it might have something to do with the fact that i've not written a proper essay on anything, for anyone, for months and months. so i'm hoping that if i blog, it might somehow kickstart my um.. creativity?!?!?! hahahaha.

sigh. so this is how desperation is, is it?

(i also have a book on linguistics to read before thursday because i need to return it then. D:)

and the record stands at.. 10kg!

2007-10-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

oh dear where do i begin!? don't worry maya i haven't forgotten to inform people that i am still alive, i just.. didn't find the time to sit down and type an entry! emails yes, especially because people ask questions and i have answers, but blogging? haha i don't know what to type now that i've this whole blank white box!

ok once and for all, yes i'm still well and breathing everyone, here among the ducks and swans at york uk!

my room is absolutely lovely, i think the privacy is great! i'm living on a quiet floor (third actually), and am surrounded by mostly second and third years! so unlike ming's place or other colleges most of my floor mates don't really really hang out in the kitchen to talk etc cos they've all got friends already and they're not as free as freshers! but it's alright! haha am sloooowly making friends.

but it's not that easy. i think i was seriously over-optimistic or something D: heh i had this weird picture in my head of people rushing to make friends and everyone being absolutely friendly and clickable. but no! i am wrong. it's not really so.. easy or lovely. but things are ok lah.

and yes i have to speak slightly differently here, no more precise singaporean pronunciation thanks very much, it is now the norm to have a bit of an accent or to at least speak slower so people can understand you easily!

i was actually feeling a bit down on the first night, after my mum etc left for london. was down with a really awful throat and all so i just holed myself up in the room feeling sorry for myself! haha which was silly but it really can get quite awful! i mean, i didn't have internet, no mobile to contact anyone (like other friends somewhere on campus), no calling card even. and the people on my floor didn't seem friendly at first. nothing. so i was very antisocial. i just played my itunes and went to bed all sniffly, and the next day i felt better and ready to face the world.

and it WAS a better day!

/

one thing i saw that i must mention!!! i was on the street in town when i saw this couple drawing closer. the guy looked like his hand was injured cos it was in an awkward position, and partly blocked by the girl's plastic bag. so i thought, oh dear, and i was observing them to see if his hand was maybe badly injured or something?

to my horror, when they were directly in front of me, i discovered his hand was actually in the front of her jeans (UGH!!!) and she was laughing and he was smiling and oh it ruined my eyes forever and i can't bear to think about it!!! i mean, in broad daylight? &i was so concerned too! :/

sick. D:

get set, go!!!

2007-09-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

ok i had a great time meeting up with many people, and will be meeting up with a few more before i flutter off to the uk. haha flutter because now i'm a very demure lady and must learn to be all graceful and elegant. after all i'm going to be 19 in just days!!!

gen was asking me when i'm leaving and all that, and just to set your mind at rest dear faithful reader (of which there are not many anywayy hahaha) i will be leaving on 2nd october, at night.

i don't want to slink off and have people go like "eh where's karmun ah?" in late october or something, but i don't really want to trouble people to come down to see me off or anything! ok? haha i know, so far only like 2 people have asked, and only those 2 have expressed interest in sending me off but STILL.

you know, if you had the tiniest bit of inclination to, BANISH THAT THOUGHT FROM YOUR MIND. :D

alright now that that's settled..

HOW AM I GOING TO PACK EVERYTHING I NEED INTO THOSE FEW PIECES OF LUGGAGE!?!?!?

what now?

2007-09-13T00:17:00.000+08:00

ok am incredibly tired, but just wanted to talk about a yucky day turned good (:

first i was late today for rehearsal ARGH had to be at ite simei by 8.30, but i was still on the bus at 8.45.

WHY? because i ran after the stupid bus but the driver completely neglected to look anywhere else except slightly beyond the tip of his own nose. sigh it's not really his fault but i had to wait for ten minutes for the next bus! which makes a big difference, believe me.

then, because i thought i had better do something to reach before 9am, i alighted at tanah merah mrt and took a taxi to ite. NOT KNOWING THAT ITE WAS JUST THE NEXT STOP. even the cabby was smirking as he drove me there!! he pocketed so much of my money so easily.. ):

and when i finally reached, the cast was actually still having breakfast downstairs. which made me feel stupid for rushing like a mad cow. i can't even be late with dignity!!! haha.

but the day magically turned better just before i reached home. (in between i had fun and a bit of stress. as usual.)

this terribly cute toddler kept waving bye to me while munching on a piece of tissue, as he was wheeled out of the mrt by his mother. what, am i so irresistable even to such a young kid!? haha of course i satrted to feel better then.

it became an even greater day because i took 174 from city hall mrt to get home... and the bus ride was actually FREEEEEE!!! -waves arms happily and wildly! sponsored by kfc leh! hahahahha i was so happy i kept smiling to myself on the bus. i know it sounds so cheapskate, but you know, unexpected discounts can really lighten one's heart!

/

i hope they break legs tomorrow, and give a splendid fun-filled performance!!! :D

"today Halloween meh?!"

2007-09-05T12:52:00.000+08:00

i'm really starting to like the cast haha. some of them are so like friends from school, so it all feels quite familiar and a bit funny, in a poignant way. there's a "marcus", a "hani"... but they are also nice people in their own right, of course. so i'm currently enjoying this more than i could have imagined (:

/

i think the good moments should outweigh the bad in a friendship, otherwise there's really no point. because then you'd just be putting yourself up for lots of unhappiness, which is completely unnecessary. if i want to be unhappy, i have more than enough options already thanks very much.

so if i'm letting you shoot your mouth off in front of me, if i'm listening to all your horrible tactless words, then i guess you must be worth it.

/

but i'm really tired of feeling sorry everytime i talk to you. why do you have to make things so difficult, you idiot.

annyeong, chingu!

2007-08-30T00:59:00.000+08:00

it was really wonderful to meet prisca today for a looong lunch. haha we basically just sat and ate and talked for like 3hours!? it's just nice lah, to be able to talk freely and comfortably to a friend you haven't met for months (half a year, to be exact)!

/

i'm settling down now. i quite like what i'm doing.

there's a general sense of busy-ness that surrounds me and i like that. haha i know i'm not doing much (not like those in uni!) but my days are still filled, and i have deadlines to meet. woohoo.

in a way, that stops me from worrying about going overseas..

WHATIFIHAVENOFRIENDSWHATIFTHEYALLHATEMEANDNOBODYWANTSTOTALKTOMEANDI"LLBEALLALONEANDEVERYONEELSEISMIXINGEXCEPTFORMEANDI"LLBEAWEIRDOARGHHHHHHHWHATIFTHEYSPEAKINAKINDOFENGLISHIDON"UNDERSTANDANDMYSINGAPOREANACCENTMAKESTHEMGOHUHANDTHEYHATELISTENINGTOMEANDIFAILMISERABLYATLINGUISTICSANDIHATEEVERYTHINGI"MDOINGANDIJUSTGOTOENGLANDTOPUTON10KG!?!?!??!?!

ok! back to work now! (or maybe to sleep, my eyebags are horrific. and like i told maya: once the bags come, they never really leave.)

be my pet!

2007-08-23T15:59:00.000+08:00

shit i've never felt such.. nostalgia before.

i just saw this random photo of muikee in class (4hope), and i really miss st nicks now. really really do. i mean, i said it before when i was in jc1 and still trying to adjust but now i say it with a kind of sadness in retrospect.

haha in the photo: i could see prisca &gang at the back of the class, i recognized christine's back, and there was someone (jiawei? :D) sleeping in a corner of the class.

and it's just really sudden. i didn't know i missed school that much. vj included. in particular, the kind of friendships we had/have. or the way things had a certain structure, and how there was a kind of system. nobody expected you to do anything out of your comfort zone, and we all had people we could act mad with.

right now all that structure is absent. good or bad i'm not sure. it's just that there are a lot of changes in our lives; people exit, some quietly, others with much fanfare, and more people enter. and i guess i'm just floundering now in the midst of this .. transitional phase? i'm a bit lost now having to establish relationships with new people, having to get to know people all over again.

it sucks, i think, having to tread carefully anew.

/

on a happier note, watch Kimi Wa Petto to laugh a little and believe a little more in the possibility of love, however wacky the form that love might come in!

warning though: i didn't really think much of matsumoto jun until i watched him in this weird but funny drama. now? adorable!

i need lessons

2007-08-22T12:35:00.000+08:00

sigh why is that i always feel inclined to take the easy way out? somehow the laziness has seeped into my bones, so that i'm this lump of procrastination!

my first time ever SMing, for real, and i'm just too .. raw. haha i've not done proper work for too long, not made friends for ages. so now i feel a bit apprehensive about everything, and i'm not really contributing. plus i'm so new you can practically smell the plastic wrapper i came in!

i almost feel like not working at all. and i kind of just want to slack this time away before i leave. but i know that forcing myself to work will be good for me. so at least i have a bit of money, and i'll be out of my league. which is, you know.. challenging. and i'll learn new things and meet new people..

aiyah but at the same time, this is the girl who seldom has enough willpower/ self-discipline to jog non-stop during 2.4km!!! i find it very hard to persuade my brain & body that i cannot start walking.

so i'm having a hard time convincing myself now as well. my body can't see the dilemma. between inertia and stress, of course intertia's the better option. as it is, i'm hanging on because i'd feel bad.

BUT it's ok, maybe things will get better when i know more people! and when i'm more comfortable with all this (: here's to the willpower/discipline i know i possess somewhere deep down!!!

a day in the life of stupidity

2007-08-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

i am an awful awful person.

how can i deal so badly with awkwardness?!

if this is how it feels like to be comfortable/uncomfortable, i have a feeling i'll never move out of my comfort zone. i'll probably never ever take risks again either, except on the mahjong table (where the only loss you'll suffer is mostly inconsequential).

/

having a close group of friends makes you feel happy and secure. but what if it also makes you lazy? D:

glitter

2007-08-11T12:06:00.000+08:00

i think i'm ready for something that's going to make me work every day, that's going to stretch me, make me cry/laugh, that's going to make me wish i never said this.

so i've decided to take up the job! it's going to be a bit rushed cos i'll need to pack/get ready for school as well, but i think i have enough time.

haha i'm sorry for sounding so absolutely drama about it, since it's not some crazy job that's going to kill me. BUT it is something i've never done before, and like all things new, it deserves some sort of respect. i mean, poor people at that ice cream place i used to work at! believe me when i say i never knew how tough f&b could be. i remember the manager warning us that it wasn't quite so easy and in my head i was scoffing. right.

/

yucks.

OH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO & MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED... -angsty avril lavigne style

/

on a happier note HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRIYA ANDREA & JASMINE!!! :D

name of summer

2007-08-07T12:21:00.000+08:00

much has happened since i last updated! haha it's so weird. i used to blog almost daily, but now i do it weekly, and only when i have something to think about/remember.

ok the first thing: MY APPLE LAPTOP. omg it's gorgeous and sleek! when i touch it i really feel love, and i do it gently... but that might also be because of the price HAHA. more importantly, i think when you finally have a computer that's really your own (that you can choose not to share), it makes a difference. i don't know, i feel more grown-up and responsible somehow? heh like "no more d/ling karmun, it might bring viruses to your mac!", those kind of thoughts. like hani said, i guess this is my new boyfriend. so suddenly i feel like a very caring and responsible person. haha haven't got a name yet though, still thinking of a sexy enough one.

tspc's over. whew. not that i was that heavily involved, haha. but its nice to know that all my time now is my own :D really, i have more than a month to leisurely pack and meet people (who are starting school & might not have time for me! ):) and do whatever. that's if i don't take up a short job in the meantime. but if i don't then i have no CASH INFLOW! and i can't take allowance. i just can't! i'm already, what, 19? haha i feel too old to take handouts, but too poor if i don't. so i'll see how things go.

ALSO at tspc i met ms cheleen chua and mrs ang and mrs liao etc and omg haha it's so weeeeird to think that in a few years i might even be having lunch with them (them being colleagues and all!)

and they've actually both left sngs, just that i didn't know. gosh how out of touch am i!? and i dare call myself an old girl who loves the school. :/

/

i really very much wanted to ignore the request, but it's such a silly childish thing to do.

and the only satisfaction i would get would come from the fact that just because i had the power to reject it, i did! which isn't very satisfactory actually.

ugh.

and WHY do i even need to get such warped satisfaction anyway?! D:

Happy Endings

2007-07-27T00:34:00.000+08:00

i REALLY really liked Asian Boys III: Happy Endings. maybe because it's a bit more shallow and more entertaining, but i preferred it to Lear. oh dear, just when i'm supposed to be all literature-ish haha. but it was enjoyable, if a bit cheesy/tacky. Lear, on the other hand, was when i sadly fell asleep. (though i paid a considerable sum for my ticket!!!)

/

i honestly do feel like i'm more introverted now! & people do say it too, except instead of introverted they say antisocial. HEHE :B

perhaps i'm getting more mature and less talkative? haha i don't know. but i don't really feel the need to get to know people anymore, and i'm turning into a homebody. i don't think that's necessarily bad, but i guess it makes me lose out on a lot of bonding opportunities. and i'm really just too lazy to drag my ass out of the house, and to work at making new friends. ugh.

/

i am starting to find out that maybe there is a point where you can just hold still and make a decision. where you then choose whether or not to let yourself really start liking a person.

it's not that i'm at such a particular stage. but i'm just discovering that there are alternative scenarios to the very romantic "love at first sight" one.

i mean, most people (and i used to be one of them) don't acknowledge such a stage, a point where you knowingly let yourself in for more. they think that if you like someone, you just do, and there are no reasons, no excuses, no free will involved. i'm starting to think that there is. :) that, you know, relationships aren't just about two people who meet, immediately like each other and get together. that there are stages and choices involved.

oh well. but this could be false. maybe there isn't a choice when you want to be with someone, and all my theorizing isn't going to help. i'll wait to properly, truly, find out.

my most journal-like entry ever

2007-07-16T19:53:00.000+08:00

OK lots to talk about! :D so that i can remember all these interesting things i did. before i go on and on though,

1) i have some photos from guangzhou!

this was the chen family museum place. it's some family home. can you see how tall the doors are! and it all looks so imposing. there was lots of furniture made from wood (rosewood?), and lots of poetry and pictures. the photo below is of me, my aunt and my mum. we're outside the place. (i look tired cos we had to get up early ok! 8am haha)

ooh this was a shot taken on the streets of guangzhou, i'm with my mum. again, i look awful, so please focus on the lights and brightness of the street instead! it's vibrant and exciting at night, lots of people milling about, and lots of things to buy. in fact it's like hongkong, just less elegant and a bit less developed. they also had lots of bronze (i think) statues scattered around the street haha. the one below was just one of the many. it was a bit odd, cos you had culture mingling with all the shopping and consumerism (can you see the bright flourescent lights of the shop and the sales being advertised behind? we went during the summer sale, that's why.)

ok and i should have at least a few photos of the terrific food i raved about!! haha the one above is of me on the street, having bought some jellylike dessert thing from the stall. it costs about 10 singapore cents (!!!), and it was quite good! i tried red bean and strawberry. interestingly, they store/make the jelly in the carton cups, and then they twist it out using the stick. can you see in the background, the cardboard carton containers in the glass display? that's why my jelly is on sticks! haha. the picture below is of something called "lorh bak sou". it's actually a puff pastry with strips of white carrot inside. OMG it was so gooood! the pastry was very light and crispy. each of us had like 3, in addition to a proper lunch. funnily enough, this was at a restaurant that also has a branch in singapore (lei garden, anyone?) but i don't think they have this. the whole experience is really just different lah.

and we also had dinner at my uncle's place in gz. this is a nice photo of all those who went on the trip, plus my uncle and cousin! thing is, some of us look a bit giggly/red/drunk haha cos of the wine etc. but it's all good! :D and below, one last photo! it's my cousin and i, outside this huge building that sells fake watches and pens. i got my "gucci" watch from here hehe. &aren't our caps cool?! haha we look like little pageboys in the brown and blue caps. (:

2) alright, now on to OBS!!!

haha ended obs last week (though it doesn't really seem so long ago) but anyway. it was quite an amazing experience because at first i was scared stiff of having to engage in physical activities (me! this super unfit girl!!!), and having to join a group where i will probably have no friends etc.

it turned out pretty good because i tried so many new things with so many new people! for one, i actually KAYAKED!!! it was incredible - learning how to manage a kayak with your partner whom you must rely on and trust absolutely (and i did! huihui the lovely soul) and getting burnt in the sun as you nibble down your lunch while paddling and avoiding mangroves. one gross thing was that you had to pee in the sea if you needed to relieve yourself (and you would need to, cos we kayaked for 4-5 hours!) and i tried to, but i couldn't at first! partly it was psychological i think, cos there're so many other people around, some looking at you. but also because of the water pressure apparently haha.

then land expedition. being completely clueless (i didn't know a land expedition would involve navigating, reading maps and lugging HEAVY backpacks laden with water food and supplies), i volunteered to be a leader when no one else did. unsurprisingly i almost DIED. haha cos all the other leaders knew how to read maps etc and i was the only bodoh. luckily the other leader of our group had been through ocs so he knew how to read maps, navigate, and lead everyone well! so i am SO grateful to him. but it was fun trying to be a leader even though i couldn't do much (:

a lot of other interesting activities! we had to build a trebuchet (not the font! haha) that could launch an egg furthest with limited materials. i had to work with a few other girls, thinking of ways to protect the egg with straws and not much else! it was stressful, strangely. heh that's cos the trebuchet was built early and it worked well and all that was left was a well-protected egg that wouldn't break. we spent so much effort working on the egg that we even came up with a name for him! (mr. unbreakable)

the girls also had to cook dinner for everyone the night we camped out with tents and all. i was cooking this HUGE pot of rice over an unsteady flame that ended up being too hard. luckily everyone was very nice about it haha and we went to bed reasonably full. singing and talking with the other girls while doing sentry duty was fun too (:

OH and one last memorable thing (though there's actually a lot happening those 4 days). we had to go through a man-made cave-like tunnel. it was quite claustrophobic and you had to go in single file in near darkness (only the first person had a pathetic lightstick) with no room to turn around. luckily no one cried! haha though it got dark and scary (VERY squeezy) at times.

my lovely group! (please ignore the silly pose i was affecting)

3) COURSES almost everyday

to be fair it's only been a few days, and most of the activities/courses are ok i guess. but! i don't really feel like i belong, and the whole thing feels odd/awkward. i'm lucky to have priya with me! so at least we can stick together (: it's not that the people are awful though, cos they're not! maybe it's just me.

4) YJ leaving ):

i can't believe i'll be sending off one of my best friends so soon! D: it scares me that we're all growing up so fast and moving so rapidly in opposite directions (all, if not most of my friends), but the worst of all is when you can no longer hide from the fact that this change, this distancing, is here to stay. she'll be leaving for America and the 3 of us can only properly reunite many months later. one in America, one in the UK and the last one left in Singapore :/ argh. i can no longer sms them nonsense or just meet up randomly for a meal. it's comforting though, when i look at how we are when we're together, because i can then somehow believe that this friendship is going to make it through many years more!!! <3 here's to the tttb!

laeng looi! (the inaccurate romanization)

2007-07-05T19:29:00.001+08:00

omg it was an AMAZING AMAZING 5-day trip over to guangzhou, china.

i wish i had photos, even those really embarrassing ones of me posing with statues and all, because at least you get to see what kind of a place it is and how happy i was over there!

i've got a bit of a headache so can't type much.

basically the food was out-of-this-world-good (it's the reason why people sit at a table for ages and stuff their mouths. it's the reason why we don't just gobble down food as if it were tasteless muck. it's the reason why people choose a particular wine or beer to sit down at a table with. it's the reason.. well, you get the idea!!! :D)

the shopping. clothes were lovely and cheap and service was mostly very good. just call out "pretty girl"/"goodlooking boy" in cantonese and they'll be right at your side, getting the clothes you want. i didn't have time to finish exploring all the shops, especially those bugis-street-like ones, which had lots of terrific bargains! just to name one out of the many in my bursting suitcase: a pretty brown halter dress at S$7!

culture was quite an eye-opening thing too. i don't mean just chinese literature culture, but also the culture of the people there. spitting is still very common, and people smoke absolutely everywhere :/ other than that, the people are generally very nice and friendly. haha they'll ask if we're local (cos obviously our cantonese is NOT up to par) and talk a bit.

on the more culture-ish literature side of the culture.. yes it was pretty amazing too. i mean, i'm the first to admit that i'm probably a bit of a banana. but this short trip kind of makes me want to learn my chinese& cantonese a bit better, and the history and culture of the chinese. i feel so foolish when my uncle and cousin etc talk about poems, history and so on, and all i can come up with is a feeble, "well i remember reading about this 7-step poem in my chinese textbook?" (with embarrassed smile) sigh. oh we also went to see the "chen gar chi tong" which is the (VERY roughly translated) Chen family museum-ish place. the poems, stories and sculptures/art there were gooood. very interesting, unlike normal museum-ish places which just bore me, frankly.

ok i know i said i have a bit of a headache, but i'm just feeling quite talky (instead of headachey and irritable) now that i'm seated comfortably and relaxing after unpacking. the only gross thing - the fly in my ointment!!! - is that tmr i have to pack again because i'm going for a 4day obs course over the weekend.

alright enough. i need to catch up on my korean pop! hahahaha. right. so, photos when i can get them! (from my cousins :)

sweet dreams are made of cheese

2007-06-24T02:07:00.000+08:00

these past few days have been so.. ridiculous! sigh so many silly things have happened haha.

the worst of all was today: i forgot all about the agreement signing for the scholarship (which was supposed to have been at 9.20am), and i only got woken up by a call from the moe officer at 10plus am!!! i guess i must have sounded so shocked at having forgotten (i was also wearing my retainers, and not speaking very clearly..) cos the lady on the phone laughed :/

/

i am strangely more of a recluse than i think!

i prefer not to go for social outings if i don't think i'll be comfortable, as i might have mentioned before.

i also like to hibernate at home and watch weepy korean dramas and cry like mad. (as opposed to um for eg, watching sad movies and crying at the cinema with friends? heh.)

maybe we really don't know ourselves as well as we might think we do. if you asked me last year, or probably when i was still in secondary school, if i would choose between going for an outing or cooping up at home, i think the former'd win hands down.

so.. it's odd then, how i've either changed completely, or just never really knew myself from the start.

or maybe it was that i would rather try/pretend to be a sociable person, than admit that i was an anti-social one. quite sad ah. but sometimes when you pretend hard enough, you convince yourself along with everyone else. which is enough.

forget what we're told

2007-06-13T12:13:00.000+08:00

there is truly something very wrong with me. i don't know if it's inertia, laziness, or just this inability to grab the opportunities that come my way.. but there is something very wrong.

i mean, i have offers, so all i have to do is just nod my head and try my best! but i don't.

of course, partly it's a fear of my own inadequacy, that i'm just not going to be good enough. a fear that makes me nervous, dreading what might happen.

but more than that, there's something disgusting and cowardly in me that would rather run away and hide comfortably, and not bother about pushing myself. a part of me that prefers to slink away and not step out of my comfort zone, to not have to test myself.

probably it's cos i know i'm not in great need of a job, so i can push it away if i want to enjoy life more. but by pushing these things away, i'm not helping my future, and i'm certainly not stretching/challenging myself.

it's exactly the opposite of desperation, i think.

complacency, maybe? or just a certain apathy, a lack of interest in making a conscious effort to shape the direction of my life. sounds all too deep and grand for such a small issue about not valuing/taking up a job, i know. but i feel that the small actions do matter in the long run somehow, and if i'm not going to be proactive then i might be said to have wasted my life. (simply because i didn't try)

/

because lately i have been caught up reading fantasy and obsessing over dramas, i have forgotten about wonderful poems. and quite possibly, the most wonderful poet of all.

i was going to say that the last 3 quatrains are my favourite, then i realised that's almost the whole poem. and today, it feels like the first four lines speak most to me somehow. so here you go!

i am so glad and very - e.e. cummings

i am so glad and very
merely my fourth will cure
the laziest self of weary
the hugest sea of shore

so far your nearness reaches
a lucky fifth of you
turns people into eachs
and cowards into grow

our can'ts were born to happen
our mosts have died in more
our twentieth will open
wide a wide open door

we are so both and oneful
night cannot be so sky
sky cannot be so sunful
i am through you so i

"i'm sorry, i don't speak"

2007-06-12T14:02:00.000+08:00

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is one of the best books i've read in a long time. PLEASE GO READ IT IF YOU HAVEN'T YET! it was funny and sad and it made me cry/want to cry.

as an indication of how good it is, haha i teared a little while reading it on the mrt even, and i missed my stop!

/

my sisters were telling me the other day that i can't be so childish anymore, i'm almost twenty, and omg. they're right.

it is such a huge shock to find myself approaching that number because sometimes i still think of myself as 16, 17. i like ordering student's meals, i still get my parents to pay for lots of things, and..

well, i'm still me. i don't know how to say it, but i just don't FEEL close to 20, at all. the mind and heart inside me, that makes me me, well, it doesn't feel that old, really!!!

the more i try to say this out haha the more muddled i feel actually, so never mind!

this penultimate scene

2007-06-09T22:52:00.000+08:00

OKAAAAY.

why do i always inadvertently cause trouble for myself? urgh but it's just that sometimes when you're caught off-guard, there's no siren in your brain screaming to STOP, to LIE, or to DODGE. so all i could do was foolishly comply.

PLEASE PLEASE don't ever contact me. this smells like potential awkwardness and embarrassment!

(on the other hand, i may just be overreacting. and being entirely silly about this haha!)

/

i was actually involved in a camp with pri and maya on mon&tues and the kids were ABSOLUTELY so cute and fun. we all took a bit of time to warm up to each other but it was a very united group at the end, once we got a cheer we liked and a rival to outscream! (:

i think working with kids on an.. umm adhoc basis can be very fulfilling and pleasant :D and i think/hope with teens it will be the same!

oh and when i finally figure out how to transfer photos taken on my phone to the computer, i shall upload a photo of the CUTEST 7-yr old boys i met this week at the gaming event; they have a father from hk, and they're twins!!! so they kinda speak a mixture of canto chinese and eng.

got to please yourself!

2007-05-26T11:40:00.000+08:00

i just discovered amazing child talents like charice (from philippines) & bianca ryan etc., children who can do so much at the age of 12 or younger. they make me think about what i've been doing, and i do feel rather unaccomplished hehe.

what i took 6 months to do, at a leisurely pace:

1) crewed for a stage production
2) worked part-time at swensen's (abt 3 months)
3) worked part-time as a speech and drama teacher (abt 3 months)
4) tried some new baking recipes
5) learnt mahjong!

hmm the list seems unbearably short & um.. shallow all of a sudden. incredibly disgustingly so. what have i done with my life!!! some more so many months of one of the best years of my life. greeeaaat.

have important things to do now before sept ends and sweeps me off to university. i have about 3, close to 4 months left as a final break before i go into uni and after that the working world! if i don't do these things now, will i EVER do them!?

1) wallet project. MUST. i don't care how long it takes for me to finish just one, or how ugly it is, but it's something i've always wanted to do!!! & i've been talking about it since last year, so i must get this done!

2) learn korean on my own properly. instead of hovering at the basics for so long (which i have been doing for the past 5 months), i am going to follow the textbook and exercise book i borrowed. if i don't finish elementary korean at least...!!!

3) design a collection of 12 female outfits. HAHA fat hope i know, since i don't even have any basic design skills, but i've got this tattered fashion design guidebook that will help me! i'm going to do this even if it kills me, because this used to be my dream when i was younger, and i can't just let this dream float by like that, even if it's no longer one of my ultimate ambitions.

HEADLONG

2007-05-22T22:47:00.000+08:00

haha really interesting food for thought, eh? got this from sulas / her page some time back. just thought i'd share it! instead of having me moan about love (or the lack of) always, some pictures sometimes should be nice! :D funny ones are a bonus ahah.

soooo Ming's set for York too, i think! WOOHOOO

it's somehow so much more exciting to have a familiar face to explore the great unknown with. you won't ever really get too lonely even while experiencing absolutely new things!!! (the lovely picture below's courtesy of BERN! (: haha from the june england trip in yr2. ah, such memories.. and now it's gonna be my destination for the next few years!)

the crazy chicken dance

2007-05-21T13:03:00.000+08:00

msn puts me through unnecessary stress.

i don't need to be in a conversation that's struggling to progress to know that i've been neglecting a particular friend, or to feel that hey, now that school's/work's out, we no longer have anything to talk about!

i guess that's why i seldom go on msn now. because it makes me a little mad and sad (HAHA what a cheesy rhyme) to find that losing people, friends, is easier than it seems. (cue The Art of Losing) the most obvious evidence would be a conversation filled with lots of stupid random comments, or worse, a conversation that says nothing at all, one which barely stutters along after all the pleasantries.

i've talked about this before and i want to reverse my stand. haha i said last time that it's better to end a relationship/friendship on a high note, before you get to the awkward dragged-out parts.

but now, i think i would resent it if my friend didn't make an effort to keep in touch just because she wanted to avoid any awkwardness. it would make it seem like i'm just not worth the effort to try to keep things going. that she has so little trust that the friendship can still make it through uncomfortable awkward moments! sigh.

/

the sleepover was lovely!!! :D

being able to gorge on instant noodles, chips, macdonald's at 4AM in the morning.. most of all being able to lie on the bed, play silly games, and laugh like mad at and with each other, these things make me extremely happy.

i don't need to have an active social life, because somehow spending time ocassionally with people that really matter seems enough.

i doubt i'd be able to easily find friends i can just show my weirdness to. i can to them, because we're just all weird together! we even ran and screamed like crazy women that day because lightning was flashing all over the place, and because it was close to midnight and we were getting hysterical worrying about an uninvited presence HAHA.

i will be very sad to separate from them and from family when the time comes :/ because our lives will diverge and i just worry that somehow the things which hold us together may no longer be strong enough to continue glueing us together in the future.

ah but it's so silly to think about what-ifs or to worry about the future right? i should really just meet up with them whenever i can and just have fun. same goes for family!

you seem like a friend of mine!

2007-05-14T02:50:00.000+08:00

omg i typed a longish post and i just did the stupidest thing by pressing ctrl +v when i wanted to COPY it just in case blogger wouldn't load properly.

of all the silly things to do SHEESH.

/

anyway mahjong's becoming a fixture in my life, not that i'm complaining! after a hysterical bout of 3 nonstop rounds, i actually saw my aunt and mother collapse in laughter. their faces actually truly (as books often describe) did turn red!!!

/

i feel like i must always excuse myself for being so lazy and over-indulgent working only a few hours 3 days a week, and i don't really like feeling so shallow/pathetic haha. so i must somehow STOP feeling that way. it's perfectly alright not to have lofty noble ambitions of eg organising an overseas community service trip, or basically just doing things for others (instead of myself!)

yes it is!

/

what do you guys think of the university of york?! (:

wishy washy me

2007-05-08T12:11:00.000+08:00

the deadline for accepting/rejecting has actually been extended, so i've more time to think about it. shit. because i'm really fickle, more time means more confusion for me, and i end up getting more flustered and uncertain.

i've also confirmed gotten the smu law offer, which makes things just a bit worse/better, because it's one more reason to stay in singapore. argh.

&so the prev post was actually a false alarm, sorry. haha. BUT! MANY THANKS TO THE LOVELY PEOPLE WHO COMMENTED ie mak andrea and vernie. even though the prev post no longer applies, and your comments might no longer apply (since i haven't rejected it officially yet), it was really nice to hear such encouraging comments from other people (: btw are you two confirmed for smu law?! :D

whatever it is, after a long talk with my parents, i've really come to realise that any decision is the right decision. as long as i believe in it, and stick by it. sounds like such a duh! thing right? haha but it isn't, ok. not when there are so many things to factor in. anyway, i'll update everyone soon regarding my FINAL FINAL decision, which i must settle on by friday. off now to drown myself in, um, turmoil? (:

solemnly, myselves ask

2007-05-07T00:55:00.000+08:00

ooohhhh. so i've finally done it. rejected the bloody moe overseas ts offer, that's what i've done.

and obviously there are regrets. sigh

it was a terribly difficult decision to make, and i didn't think it through as much as i could have. oh well. i mean, on one hand, i've smu law (i think) & nus waiting for me, and home, and good food, and people. but on the other, there's this amazingly exciting feeling of possibilities in the uk! plus the very dampening 6-yr bond; it's somehow important to me that i don't sign off those years of my life for an adventure. then why on earth do i feel so jealous and slightly bitter when i read about others taking up scholarships, heading overseas etc.!?

ARGH. not upset over the fact that i won't have a stable teaching/moe career once i graduate, but over the fact that going to the uk now (when i've practically been accepted into all my choices) is very much a gradually fading path that i can almost no longer choose.

deciding to tell mfa tomorrow that i'm not interested in their overseas scholarship though, was far easier. i mean, although i'm effectively killing off my last possible route to the uk, esp when i'm just one interview away from clinching that scholarship, i know that i don't want to be involved in such economic matters for the rest of my life!! moe was harder, because teaching is far more appealing to me than foreign service.

but you've to admit, it's so easy to be seduced by the supposed glamour and 'status' of the job. being completely honest, telling people you're a foreign service officer has a much nicer ring to it than being a teacher, no? it's utterly superficial and silly, but it's the truth. for me, mfa meant more than that of course, because i thought i would be able to travel and experience so much with that job. but i think it's more deskbound than i expected, and more economic-ish too. so haha, this one i'll forgo without much pain.

sigh. so often we just barge into new places/parts of our lives without thinking things through. i've been very lucky that my life has been relatively smooth so far, and i've never had much cause to regret or agonise over a particular decision. i'm hoping that that continues, that i wouldn't have passed up an opportunity of a lifetime.

but it has to be true, right? the fact that if you give something up, something better usually comes your way afterwards! like how in mahjong, if you choose not to eat the person's tile, and wait to pick a new tile instead, things are usually far better? ah i'm not making sense, but really, i'm just hopeful now that things will work out somehow. (: go, kar mun! stop regretting & whinging!

it will be a grand nothing day. say yes. say.

2007-04-28T13:00:00.001+08:00

Nothing was good! i liked it quite a lot, though it was a bit too long. but the characters were funny and real at the same time.

some points i laughed quite loudly, then i realised what it was i was laughing at, which sobered me up instantly. because i was laughing at myself, and/or the people around me. laughing at us and the way we are.

but it was good. i think peter sau is a terrific actor! he doubled up as mosquito man and the old father in Nothing, and he kept his facial expressions voice etc so different that i was not even sure it was the same actor!

i only found out it was peter sau when i read the programme thoroughly later, and then i remembered that i saw him in a Language of Our Own. he was only alright in Language, because the other actors were much better. but in Nothing, he was really good. in fact, the cast was very together, all were equally good in their own ways (: SO WATCH IT TONIGHT, LAST NIGHT!

/

i'm currently having a headache, and will probably have one til 7thmay or something. that's cos i have a dilemma on my hands and i'm very very conflicted.

if you received an offer for a scholarship to go overseas, but you will be tied down for 6years after that to a job you're interested in, but not passionate about, will you take it?

i was thinking hard about it, and i've calculated too. what really puts me off is my age at the end of it all. when i'm finally freed from the scholarship i'd be, what, 29/30 years old? at that point in time i daresay (knowing myself too well) i would be too comfortable and lazy to venture into anything else less safe.

it's not exactly that i have burning dreams to achieve or anything like that, but the thought that i will be forever pinned down after that, because of this decision now, makes me really stop short of committing myself so readily. my life will then just be a typical mundane one. it's not that i'm expecting an extraordinary life, but just maybe a special one? a different one.

i am grateful for this opportunity, because it is an all-expenses paid scholarship. i'm immensely thankful that i have this alternative, where my parents won't have to fork out thousands. although.. it sounds like utter tripe when i say this in my mind but, would i be selling myself for that 40+ thousand dollars?

on the other hand, even if i don't take this scholarship, and i just go my way quietly in nus.. what would happen to me after i graduate? majoring in eng/eng lit (or something along those lines) doesn't exactly guarantee one a rice bowl. and then what? where will i go, what will i be?! especially since i don't even have a dream now, or a particular goal. it's all very well to say that i just want to do what i like, but what happens after that?

logic will break your heart

2007-04-24T00:15:00.000+08:00

i know i'm not ever really going to seriously consider smu law so should i even bother heading down for the interview!? this, bearing in mind that they only have 82 places but have 15 x 82 applicants.

am definitely leaning more towards fass anyway, which is going to be like some small world of familiar faces haha.

/

i read this person's blog where she talked about liking singers like hilary duff, jlo and avril lavigne, and people just kept commenting that her taste sucked. they recommended groups like the stills instead, or lily allen, amy winehouse, mika etc.

i mean, it's really really so silly. music is so difficult to classify/judge. i don't think it should even be judged in the first place. it can hold so many different kinds of meanings for different people, which affects how they might prefer a particular genre.

i went to listen to the stills, ~~and their songs are ok.~~ OH i just finished listening to lola stars and stripe and it's really quite good! i quite like lily allen too, her vids make me smile. but is it wrong to like, for eg, the beatles instead?! oops, bad example, cos somehow the beatles are cool. but teenybopper music isn't cos it's lousy melody-wise, has repetitive lyrics and so on, which the beatles so do not have.

right. (i adore the beatles, by the way :)

haha i needed to say all that, cos i used to feel weird for liking oldies. i used to be selfconscious whenever people looked at me in a certain way when i admitted i didn't listen to 98.5fm in sec school. but i really just didn't like it! haha and there was a period of time my mum kept tuning into that station cos she heard it was what teenagers liked, ie cool, but it bored me. SO HERE'S TO LISTENING TO WHATEVER NONSENSE YOU WANT, without having to feel apologetic about it :D

/

The Road Under the Heavens (siff) wasn't as breathtaking as i thought it would be but some symbols were quite nice. the lead actress was also very pretty.

maybe the language barrier had a lot to do with it (uzbekistan-ish?) but i felt it wasn't engaging enough. and it says something when people leave their seats in the middle of the show, doesn't it?

ooh and maya & tash have LOVELY hair now. (haha i can just imagine them both swelling up and bursting with ego-ness) but yes it's true. both with their sort-of favourite colours. maybe i should get a blue fringe now or something HAHA.

/

and yuck i don't like waiting to hear from people, from schools, from organisations, scholarship providers.. it's dull, a bit stressful, and practically a waste of time.

but i still can't help checking my gmail at least once a day. OH WHY AM I SO IN NEED OF A LIFEEEEEEEEEEEE

hitting a bit too close to home (for my gong gong)

2007-04-15T23:44:00.000+08:00

i actually planned to write about euthanasia and how i believe it gives the suffering person more dignity and less torture.

but all that is getting sidetracked because i don't really know how to start anymore.

/

how do you discuss a topic when it's suddenly starting to matter so much more to you, to have so much more personal significance?

out of my other 3 grandparents, i only saw one fade away slowly.

but what's happening now is more drawn-out and painful than i could have thought. actually i didn't really want to talk about it because i had this strange idea that writing about it here might somehow cheapen his ordeal. but i don't know who to talk to, and i don't know what to say to the people i might be able to talk to.

when i talk to my mum/aunties, i'm super careful about what i say. i worry that if i articulate my belief that maybe letting him go early and quickly is the way to release him from this pain, they may turn tear-filled eyes to me and ask how i could be so cruel/unfeeling. even i worry that i'm being stupendously cold-blooded in being able to form that thought in my head.

when i look at him, i want to cry/do cry. but after that, i sit by and feel absolutely helpless and stupid because i don't speak hainanese. all i can mutter, leaning close to his waxy prominent cheekbones, are some phrases in chinese. and, lying on a hospital bed, how could he possibly care for the idiotic platitudes that issue from my mouth?!

and then i worry that if i cry, are my tears real? is it hypocritical to cry for a grandfather you've never been quite close to? is it pathetic to cry only at this last stage because you suddenly wish that all those weekly visits had been more fruitful? does it even matter, about my tears?

after all that, i wonder what to do my hands, my mouth. do i hug my aunties? do i stroke his immobile hand? do i even smile, when my relatives turn to look at me?

and the worst thing of all, why am i being such a thickhead at this time? caring about this and that, but never focusing for too long on the steadily deteriorating figure on the bed.

please give my mum strength to get through this.

/

my two sisters have been simultaneously tearing and worrying about him, and getting ready for their band syf on monday. the two of them are from different sec schools, but both their performances are on the same day.

haha i gave them a small card each to wish them luck!

it's so odd to face up to the fact that those kids you used to bully last time into doing things have hobbies of their own now, &lives completely separate from yours. they now know things i could never possibly pick up (music!), and they have competitions to go for, even.

i've become this interested spectator who can only mostly stand by the side, waving enthusiastically even if i don't quite understand how the race works. ah, things keep changing.

friday the 13th

2007-04-13T12:27:00.000+08:00

waking up early the past 3 days is taking its toll on me. i'm like ughhh now, and i can barely insert my contacts cos my eyes start off being tiny and lazy!

today was my first day handling an all-boys class haha and aside from reports of hitting and kicking each other (boys are SUCH tattlers haha!) it was really quite fun. definitely more challenging than a mixed class cos ALL the boys are easily bored but they're also very playful in a good way. at the end though, one boy cried terribly and i thought he must have been pushed or bullied. it turns out he was upset that i didn't pick him as a volunteer at all throughout the whole lesson. hahaha sheesh.

but seeing all these cute kids (at both schools) kind of makes me want to start having children. because i see them only like once a week or less, they're SO adorable. annoying at times, but adorable still lah.

i know i've said before that i might not get married if i don't find someone Right, but perhaps i'll go ahead with adopting as a single parent if i can afford it next time. of course there's still a lot to think about, but darn, having kids is such an irresistable idea.

/

omg the weather's suddenly being so obliging. it's raining now so it would lovely to just snuggle up in bed. i'm off!!!

i don't begrudge you anything you say

2007-04-10T00:34:00.000+08:00

perhaps the most shocking thing is when you finally find out what people really think about you.

even when you look into the mirror yourself, all you can see is a distorted vision of what might truly be. i remember how an author once talked about her friend who would unconsciously make faces when staring at the mirror. her friend would widen her eyes and smile (more like grimace) in an odd manner, thinking perhaps, that that was how she appeared to her friends, that that was her normal expression. but it wasn't!

i don't know. i was a bit numb, maybe, so strangely i didnt feel all indignant and angry. you have a point, i concede. maybe i was, am, like that. but i was unintentionally so. and you never did tell me to my face, so how was i supposed to know?

sounds like pathetic whiny excuses huh:

howwasisupposedtoknow?howcanichangewhenyouwon'ttellme?howcouldyousaythatbehindmyback?ithoughtyouweremyfriend,aren'tfriendssupposedtobehonest?

ahhhhhh. maybe they are excuses after all. but REALLY, i didn't know anyone found me that unpleasant. it's a bit sad, shocking and.. i don't know, weird all at once.

it makes me flush, to think that omg ~~they~~ YOU must have talked to me, smiled at me, joked with me while thinking those mean, if true, thoughts.

aiyah i don't know lah. maybe i really do have an elevated opinion of myself, so i never thought it possible that a friend could've been so unknowingly spiteful. but (even if this sounds like i'm trying to console myself) it really wasn't that mean, or that horribly said. at least. at least you didn't slam me the way you COULD have, the way you did others.

/

so i am an apathetic idiot after all and possibly, even a "bimbo". thanks very much for the vote of confidence.

now i feel SO ASSURED about my future. haha but at least they were sort of encouraging at the end. and i guess what i have to do presently is to research more, so i am ABSOLUTELY sure of what i am getting myself into, and what i am committing myself to.

today's a great day for reflection maaaan. or at least to examine myself somehow, what with these two events sort of um overwhelming me. good, except i'm too tired to think. and all i really want to do is to lose myself in my beloved hongkong tvb serials.

so LEAVE ME ALONE OK i don't think i need you passing judgement thanks very much.

the spiral

2007-04-08T12:24:00.000+08:00

i am honestly just a little stricken with terror.

for job interviews, i believe all you really need is a kind of sincerity. as long as you keep smiling, and are pleasant enough, things should be fine. at least 1 in 5 employers will call you back. (reliable figures, ok hahaha!)

but the idea of scholarship interviews is just incredibly daunting. i mean, your many smiles will not cover up the fact that you're an ignorant little fool, the way you are pleasant and agreeable will not patch over the holes in your general knowledge or knowledge about the world, basically.

it's time to face up to the fact that i'm an apathetic idiot oh dear god. and no amount of last-minute reading will help me feign competence, even if i wanted to.

the trick is to keep breathing

2007-03-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

alright, so i filched my post title from a library book haha that i haven't read, and never will. what to do, it sounds nice! (but the content doesn't)

i did read a verrry interesting book just yesterday/day before though, by a japanese female author. it's called Out, about 4 women. 1 of them gets into this business where she helps to dispose of illegal corpses by chopping them up and sending them to an incinerator. ewww. but it's fascinating and, well, just a terrific read! (my um synopsis isn't doing it justice, at all haha)

/

today was such a surprisingly long day, but long in a good way.

i suppose when you finally have to wake up at 6am after having been a late riser for so long, the day just seems to have so many more hours. 5 at least, to be precise :D

so i managed to wake up for school, run a few errands (uni app docs and the like), and then head to the national library for a book. after that was a lovely dinner with gen. haha why is it that there're just some people i can meet up with who always make me laugh!? but it was quite a nice outing, though the food was only decent (: hehe we went to billy bomber's cos i had a $15 voucher, and gen wanted to try the food.

/

yuck i don't like having to deal with any complicated stuff. much as i moan about not having anyone to fall in love with, it seems like the whole business of liking someone or having someone like you or getting into a rship is really a bit chaotic and messy! not to mention emotional.

&since i haven't embarked on the wallet project as yet (SIGH) i think i'll just settle for baking a batch of chocolate cookies instead. this recipe is a must-try, since a lot of food bloggers (at least 5 i think) call it their FAVOURITE cookie recipe EVER. will see how things go HAHA.

am also considering taking up another job now, because working only a few hours for 2 out of 7 days IS a bit slack. but somehow don't quite feel like going back to the f&b line. i mean, i've already experienced it before, so why put myself through the torture again?! haha kidding, don't let me scare you, would-be-service-crew!!! :D if only a good job would plop into my lap.

also because then shelling out $100+++ for a play (Lear, played by Ian McKellen) wouldn't be so heart-wrenching. but i had to! i really had to! haha how could i not!?

on family

2007-03-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

the old man doesn't know this person anymore; this girl who stands by his bedside trying to smile cannot be the same one he used to hold hands with when she was younger, can it?

her smile is different now and she cannot even speak a single word he understands. does he know her face? it seems like another person altogether. to say he has dementia or is going senile would be a baldfaced lie; to say the people around him are the ones changing would be closer to the truth.

it gets really cold on the hospital bed. his pant legs aren't even long enough to cover his skinny calves, and the fan whirring up above doesn't help. coughs rack the body lying on the bed next to his and the clear sound of phlegm rattling through tired lungs doesn't help. at all.

when they first came he almost wanted to cry. they weren't supposed to see him like this, not with a tube connected to the inside of his pants, not with a blue hospital top that exposed his portruding collar bones. his eyes are tired but he sees their fear and pain with clarity, and he cannot even muster up a smile.

when they turn to go he almost cannot stop the one tear. he hasn't lost the memories yet, but have they?

she wants to hold her mother's hand tight. they are walking in this brightly lit corridor that doesn't even seem real. she stops at the sink and decides to wash her hands with anti-bacterial soap even though there is no need. her hands are clean. but she stops anyway, and takes a long time, because the soap is clinging to her hands. her mother is already way ahead by the time she dries her hands on the paper towel provided.

when she sees her mother again, they are already by the bedside. she slows down, because she knows she has nothing to say. they part when they see her coming, so the old man in the bed can see her clearly.

when she sees him she wants to cry. his eyes are yellowish and rheumy, and he is awfully skinny. the worst thing is, when she sees him, she cannot think of a single thing to say that he might understand. does he recognise her still, even? they say his memory is slipping away now.

then some other feeling overwhelms her, and it scares her most of all. this man, who has become so unfamiliar and different, is evoking compassion in her. as if he were a suffering stranger on the street, as if he were a homeless man at the mrt, as if.. as if he wasn't the man who once played black jack with her, the one who once cooked fantastic meals for her, the one who used to laugh with her.

they are leaving now, and she still hasn't said a word. as she turns back to smile once more, she sees something - could it be a tear - glistening in his eyes. he is her grandfather, for god's sake, but what she feels could be for a poor stranger she does not know.

le soleil, le soleil!

2007-03-15T19:39:00.000+08:00

today was one of the days where everything slowly worked out right (: haha having so much free time has never felt so.. precious yet liberating at the same time!

first, the headache that had been plaguing me on and off the past two days was completely gone, so i wasn't grumpy or tired or snappy when i was woken up haha. then! i had a really nice walk to the cll on my own and it was so sunny and windy and bright so it felt quite terrific to just walk and sing along to songs. i especially liked when i was alone and able to sing as loud as i wanted without scaring any souls :D

at the library i found the coelho book that had been evading me for ages - the alchemist - which was a good and rare find because his books are just too popular to stay on the shelves. AND! i also managed to get my hands on the neil gaiman book i've been eyeing since it came out in bookstores! the anansi boys! in good condition! at the library! then i discovered that i could afford to treat myself haha so on the way back i had a lovely melty 50cent ice cream cone from macs.

now i'm relaxing and trying to complete the last of my scholarship apps so all's good! in fact, just a tad TOO peaceful.

it's almost as if everything is so tenuously beautiful and wonderful that it just seems a bit unreal. as if things right now are like an amazing stained glass window just begging for a brick.

oh well. i guess i should just shut up and enjoy things as they are. not as if they are perfect, no they aren't, i mean there are things i am waiting/hoping for that aren't materialising, but BUT i often feel like just smiling for nothing.

/

after reading the zahir, one of the things that really stuck with me was this analogy the narrator used, comparing two people in a marriage to the parallel railway tracks.

according to him, the tracks have a fixed distance of 143.5 cm (something like that) and he wondered why it was such an odd number, and not an easier one to remember like 150cm. the reason for the distance actually goes back all the way to the olden civilisations when romans kept their horses 143.5 cm apart or something along those lines. so the strange thing is, that distance is not applicable now, but people just keep things the way they are, without understanding.

it's like how there are conventions in a marriage that have to be observed, even if you don't quite understand, simply because that's the way things have always been. so those two people remained fixed in their path, going along as they are supposed to, and constantly keeping that distance between them both, never daring to wander off, to deviate, or to see the need to get closer. things go on, until the couple even forget/ don't understand why they're going on the way they are, why they're even together anymore.

haha i'm going on and on about it but the narrator/author managed to say it in a much more succinct and provocative manner, not at all explanatory or boring. PLEASE READ IT IF YOU CAN!

/

and just because people often believe girls are sly cryptic creatures.. :D it wouldn't do to let that stereotype fall apart. no siree! so here goes:

i can't believe i was EVER attracted to you!!!

(come to think of it, this can apply to a few unlucky people hahahaha)

the zahir

2007-03-12T19:20:00.000+08:00

ok, since i'm officially not working there anymore, here's a list of the top 3 annoyances/moments of entertainment for this waitress, also known as a customer service representative. right.

1. when people call me by my name, perhaps in a bid to umm be more personal? haha so far for the more than 5 times i've been addressed by my name, it's ALWAYS been a guy. maybe it's more polite. you know, to make a waitress feel not so invisible after all? but it always makes me want to laugh because their trying to be charming is so apparent. but its nice of them to want to try in the first place :D

2. the two customers i had who were simultaneously frustrating and funny. they came in, and started rattling off names of local dishes, saying they wanted wonton, lor mai kai, hor fun etc. haha and even after ordering, they wouldn't listen as i tried to repeat their order. THEN! they started asking if our ketchup and chilli sauce had ISO certification .. :/ haha it was so embarrassing for them when i asked my manager about it and she asked who were the customers who wanted to know(in front of them), since ISO certification is for SERVICE, not food, apparently. really weird folks.

3. the two female customers i had who were teasing and joking with me. haha one of them had a tattoo above her breast and she was wearing a slightly low cut top. my colleague desperately wanted to know where she got her tattoo done so i had to ask her about it and all. and they were actually the same age as me! but i guessed them to be in their mid-20s haha.

/

it's such a headache trying to fill in scholarship and uni applications on time and all. ugh and my being such a procrastinator doesn't help either..

but at the same time if i don't get off my butt and do something, it feels as if i'm letting things slip through my fingers when it just takes a bit of effort to clench that hand into a fist. so i must stop letting myself laze around and really complete all the essays & applications on time. if i can't even be that little bit more pro-active, no one's going to do that for me and this is my future we're talking about!

/

the zahir: something that you see/touch once in your life that haunts you forever after that. anything can be your zahir.

reading paulo coelho's the zahir has led me to conclude that milan kundera and him have similar styles, or at least the way they narrate sounds quite the same. today when i was reading, i forgot that it was by coelho, and thought i was reading kundera's work! but they are both lovely and thought-provoking.

do i have a zahir? i don't suppose i do. i might have had, but not anymore (:

pretend is for brave souls

2007-03-05T01:27:00.000+08:00

okayyy omg so many things to do, my brain is bursting.

tomorrow i've got to go for a facial sigh i must admit to myself already that i don't have downy smooth complexion, it is too punctuated with pimples UGH so must learn to bear with pain to clear it.

then i must settle stuff for uk uni application. but first i'm still debating whether or not to even apply. i mean, nus has English Language and uhh that's not too bad right? also important to remember how much cheaper nus is compared to say, university of york, for one. but! maybe i shall just apply so i can at least reject at leisure IF i get a spot. so at least i have choices.

grarrrggh. so many deadlines suddenly.

my week seems quite full already, either with work or meeting people and of course, mahjong.

haha it is a slow but deadly addiction. and if you think about it, chinese new year is officially over, so that's a good reason to put away the tiles. no more games, gosh! but anyway i'm still playing without money, and forcing my relatives to do likewise so playing doesn't hurt. haha not financially, i mean.

/

i'm very glad that soon i can shrug off that orange uniform but already i can imagine how i will miss it! it helps me lose weight. i mean, walking around taking orders and stacking heavy plates has GOT to be doing something for your muscles right!? and smiling/talking so much means you work your facial muscles too! (which hopefully means my face will actually get slimmer?! HAHA)

and the people too. some have become my good friends (: while others, i could care less about. oh well!

/

can't wait to eat at the xiaolongbao place again this week! YUMMY.

so after settling uni app. i promise myself i MUST start on that wallet-making project. must. or else bake a challenging pastry. or something. i can't become a taitai just yet (sitting at home playing mahjong with my retired aunts or ironing a bit or reading lots and/or blading occasionally)

i mean, it sounds like a lovely thing to be, but i'm not ready to succumb to such pleasure yet! haha i must be a young active teenager. cos i'm not going to be a teen for much longer!!! ARGH, Age!

too close to the sky

2007-03-03T15:11:00.000+08:00

mahjong is actually very good for the brain. you've to make decisions! so fickle uncertain people can play mahjong to get better at making small decisions hahaha before graduating to life-changing major decisions about the future.

/

in little miss sunshine, dwayne pounded the seat of the van and screamed in the way boys scream when he realised that his hard work, determination and vow of silence had been a waste of time because his colour-blindness (something entirely out of his control) automatically disqualified him from ever achieving his dreams.

do you believe in a thing called luck?

sdrawkcab

2007-02-27T16:02:00.000+08:00

ok listening to upbeat songs really makes things seem better again.

not that things are awful. haha i might complain incessantly about my job, for one, but when i'm there, with my colleagues etc and working, it can actually be very enjoyable (: so i think i will miss it for sure when i leave early march.

it's actually pretty relaxing now, aside from thoughts/nightmares about friday. haha work seems better cos i'm leaving soon, and i do look forward to settling my uni applications so its done and over with, even if the thought of results is daunting. so that i can also make a fresh start on my long-overdue projects, like the wallet-making one, and the revision of my chinese (:

in the meantime i am learning mahjong properly from my parents every night HAHA using mahjong CARDS no less, cos my sisters are studying for some tests. real mahjong tiles, while lovely to play with and touch, are far too noisy. anyway, the game is confusing, but addictive fun :D

/

blogger has been nothing but disagreeable ever since i switched to new blogger with my gmail account. i mean, i can't load my pages properly, and i can't even view comments, much less reply to them D:

tsk. BEAR THE WRATH OF THIS CONSUMER'S DISSATISFACTION, MAN! not as if i'm going to take action actually heheh. but that (grammatically incorrect?) line was too empowering; i wanted badly to use it (: ok, off to take in some sunshine before p6 reunion!

/

edit:

THANKS CLAIREMMY for being so nice about my hair. haha :D see you tomorrow. TOMORROWWWW I LOVE YOU TOMORROW..

yes VERNIE it might be the pms or maybe its just jitters sigh. we'll see how things go come friday yeah?

because i'm a girl

2007-02-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling very down today ): a combination of factors i suppose.

everything seems to be revolving around the coming friday. i can't say yes to anything, to whether i can take up new projects, be part of things, be available to work, because it all depends on that bloody slip of paper.

i really really don't have a good feeling about things, and (touchwood) yet somehow it seems like my whole life is going to depend on it.

you know how when you're having a horrible day - no wait, i mean a horrible life in general - you seem to hope that one good thing, just ONE good thing, is going to make everything better again? that's how i hope my a's results will be. but please, to even want to expect that much is pretty dumb isn't it?

/

and please, PLEASE give me a break.

i just want to run away from it all, from my job, my lack of jobs, some of my family, from the criticism about me, about my hair, from the unbearable expectations, from all the nonsense, and just head to the beach.

lie in the sand and sun feeling pathetic.

yes, that will probably do the trick. because i will then have overcome this overwhelming sensitivity that is making me very upset inside. ugh.

sigh or maybe all this is fuss and feelings over nothing, because i'm probably just being all prissy and pms-y before my actual period.

she was better, only for the lack of anything better

2007-02-18T00:14:00.000+08:00

omg milan kundera's The Book of Laughter and Forgetting is very interesting.

he has a section that talks about why we laugh. why DO we laugh? :D

/

and gosh, cos cny is really officially here, it means results will be out preeeetty soon. yikes.

was looking through some websites, and i'm fascinated by the combination of social anthropology and linguistics. EXCITING, MAN!

awful thing is, i'd need at least BBB to qualify. now is the world demanding or isn't it!

i read somewhere that a director once commented on how, once he saw how things were done/directed, he never looked at films the same way again. you no longer enjoy the whole picture the way it was meant to be enjoyed, because you get caught up noticing the small details, noticing the way the picture was put together.

which might spoil the magic in a way. but if you are able to disconnect to see the way it all comes together, and still enjoy it on some level, then it should be more special no?

i'm hoping it will be the same way with linguistics. you get to see how words are pieced together to make sentences, and novels will never read the same way again. but! while you are, on one level, processing the TECHNIQUE, on another level it is all still beautiful because you can see how it got done!

a bit like figuring how the magician gets his tricks done, but while the illusion might be gone, i'm thinking its all still MAGICAL, and all the more beautiful :D

death makes you see what's worth preserving

2007-02-16T14:22:00.001+08:00

the pickle king was quite lovely, i didn't laugh as racuously as some other audience members did, but i enjoyed it all the same. the haagen daaz tiramisu flavour was verrrry enjoyable too :D

/

ok, CNY is coming haha and the goodies have started piling up as well. bottles of pineapple tarts, almond cookies, sugee cookies, bak kwa, chocolates etc. what's on the cards for sure is a gorging session after another :D

now if i could only figure out what to wear to hide that bloated belly..

can't pretend i'm not lazy

2007-02-14T12:04:00.000+08:00

haha actually lenses aren't THAT big a deal i suppose. just a bit unsettling (in a good way!) to feel as if i've got perfect eyesight again; i'm not wearing my spectacles but everything is just so startlingly clear (:

/

there was this awful table of customers yesterday who were terribly bitchy! my first (or second) time encountering such people! awful people D:

i was clearing their plates to make way for their desserts, when one of them asked, "can you refill our ice water?" and i replied yes of course give me a second. as i walked to get the jug of water, one of them VERY bitchily said loudly, "of course can lah, otherwise we pay 10% svc chg for what?" it was the tone that made the whole sentence sound so grating.

i mean honestly, you did NOT have to add that line. it was completely redundant and bordering on plain crass. to shove it up our asses the fact that oh yes you're paying 10% and that makes you SUCH a boss?! we're paid to do what we can to make your dining experience pleasurable but the least you could do (if you couldn't be bothered to be polite and add an occasional "thank you" like normal decent people do) is just let us do what we can for you. i mean, i didn't even do ANYTHING to you!

you want water? i'll get you water. it's not necessary to pepper the evening with your bitchiness and calculating ways. it's almost as if, for that 10%, you expect me to salivate and kowtow to you.

and then they had the cheek to be all smiley and act-sincere cos they wanted many pink heart shaped balloons that we were using for deco for vday. ughh. disgusting behaviour.

by the way, never knew bugis was so hip and happening! hahh louis koo and andy lau actually came to promote Protege at bugis! huge crowds :D

haengbokae (happiness)

2007-02-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

sigh, watching korean dramas really will do things to your tear ducts. your eyes well up uncontrollably and you just start weeping even though you know that the unbelievably handsome male lead & (usually) pretty female lead are just acting.

but they do make you yearn for the same kind of happiness, even if transient.

/

it was lovely meeting with claire again after so long! haha i usually don't quite like meeting up with friends after a long period of not seeing each other because i'm very uncomfortable dealing with awkwardness or tension but today was good (:

so i shall see how things go, but the SCI (mass comm) course at ntu is definitely an option. i don't know much yet about how things will be, or exactly what my choices will comprise, but i really have lost that sense of trepidation and abject fear that i used to have at the thought of making a life-changing decision. of course, i still feel a bit scared, but nothing so overwhelming as before!

i mean, there may not be room to back out or just retrace my steps if i should find that i made a mistake, but at least there will be other roads! life couldn't possibly end with just ONE awful awful mistake, could it? :)

/

"Live. Just live."

AND i will be getting contacts tomorrow! so exciting! :D

choke my nerve to death

2007-02-07T21:46:00.000+08:00

there's really something wrong with me sigh. i never knew that i could get pms-y like that gosh!

the other day, i felt a bit like crying just because an unknown person (STOLE) took the drumstick someone left aside for me!! sheesh i thought i was going mad. only later did i realise it must be pms, because i got my period later in the day, or night if you will. and after that i almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. gosh! can you imagine!? wanting to shed a tear over a lost piece of meat!!? tsk.

/

i fear that once i enter the REAL working world, i'll end up one of those serial job-hoppers. nothing is appealing enough so far to make me want to stay for a long while, not a comfy office job, or a tiring service industry one.

or maybe i just really need to GROW UP and get used to this already. get used to the idea that sometimes it's just the money that keeps you waking up day after draining day. that you only really need the financial incentive to descipline you so you keep at your job no matter what. :(

knackered! (in a british accent)

2007-02-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

oookay. why!? why did i say yes no problem when i wanted to say, not on your life madam!

but i must think of this positively: working on my off day means more money! yes it does. sort of.. except i could have spent my lovely off day blading and becoming bulgy-er by lazing around the house and having some fiiiine pineapple tarts. after all i already worked two days in a row!!! (only. hehehe)

and while we're on the plus side.. maybe a goodlooking customer will smile at me and ask for my number (not that i would give it, of course! what do you think i am!? :D) and maybe i will have time to talk nonsense with the few colleagues who are actually friends.

must ponder on a strange thing. why is it that most of my friends there are guys?! only my closest friend (excluding previously known people like gen and xl) is a girl! i could say something about the natural bitchiness and haughtiness of females but that is not very fair and mostly not very true..

so it shall remain a strange thing, without reason.

/

i think the national library (cll) is a wonderful way to spend your free (on-your-own) day! you wander around the shelves, looking at fiction, books on fashion, language, literature.. when you're hungry you can sort of eat a proper meal at Hans and then resume browsing.

it is nice when you see someone pick up a book, flip through it, then get so engrossed in it that they sink to their knees, so they're on the carpeted floor reading! much as they might block the way, it is a lovely thought that the book is such an unputdownable that they couldn't possibly shift to a nearby couch!

/

i would like to go for a lemon milkshake (folded, not blended!!!) at billy bomber's again sometime soon but if i go there with only a book, sitting on the red vinyl booth seats will i be too alone? hmmm or perhaps even lonely. i shall try it out and let you know.